My freshman year of college, I met friends I will keep in touch with for the rest of my life. However, that was possibly the worst year of my life. I did horrible both in and out of the classroom that year, and it was the most depressed I had been in such a long time. I was so disturbed by my college experience, I tried to fill my sadness with food, which only led to me hating myself more, and thus the vicious cycle continued.

My year of college caused me so much emotional distress, that I spent so many nights staring at bottles of medication, and talking myself down from chugging the entire bottle to get away from the horrible things I was dealing with.

I suffered through sleepless nights, and days spent struggling through classes I hated and a job I couldn't stand which I only had to pay for the classes I hated. I spent so many nights crying in my dorm room because I felt myself falling into deep despair.

So when the end of my freshman year came, I was $4,000 in debt to a university who had cost me my roommate, my will to live, and my self-love. So I left for the summer, I took my broken pride and my shattered GPA, and I came home. With the horrible notion that I was going to have to go back if I wanted my parents to be proud of me.

So I worked all summer, through open houses for my friends, through parties, and through the few times when I should have had quality time with my family because I missed them so horribly. And one day, I looked at my life and I realized that I was slaving away at my job, trying to make enough money to pay back a college I had NO desire to go back to.

So I stopped killing myself, and I decided I wasn't going back to college. My parents were upset, but I know it was best. I've only been out for about a year, but already I appreciate myself more for looking after my well being.

So when I get asked when I'm going back to college, I don't smile and laugh. I shrug and change the subject because focusing on college makes me sad. I just think about how I failed my first year, and remember how I felt during that time.

I remember how I went days at a time without leaving my room because I had no desire to leave my bed for anything. I went days without food because I didn't think I was worth the effort. I remember waking up and going to bed with one thing on my mind: how badly I wanted it all to end.

My college days were some of the worst days of my life, and maybe someday I can get to a place where I'm comfortable and can try college again. But I'm not going to sacrifice my mental health for college ever again.