As you know, I only ask important questions. So it's obvious that I want to know the answer to the following question:
If you were on death row and requested Red Robin for your last meal, could you stave off your execution for as long as you could continue to scarf down bottomless fries?
I started my investigation by looking up the rules that govern the infamous last meal, and I got my answer pretty quickly: no. Apparently, there's no law that says a prison has to grant you your last-meal request.
BUT THAT'S NO FUN! So let's change the rules up and assume that, should you find yourself sitting on death row, the prison has to feed you whatever you want. Again: could bottomless fries save your life?
Well, I hate to break to all of my fellow Wahoos, but if you're waiting to be executed in Virginia, then they can't. As a matter of fact, Virginia requires that death row inmates choose from 28 rotating meals that are already served in the prison, so your last meal has to be shitty prison food no matter what.
The same goes for Texas, where, much like at your local Chili's, you must choose a meal that is listed on their statewide menu.
And it seems as though this is the case for most prisons: you can ask for whatever you want, but you aren't guaranteed to get it, and even if you do, you probably won't get the real thing. You'll get an imitation of the meal concocted by the prison chef.
However, there is still hope in none other than the heart of America, the epicenter of culture, the land of a billion bizarre news articles:
Florida, the Sunshine State. Go Noles!
According to the website of the Florida Department of Corrections, "food is prepared by the prison staff" and "must cost no more than $40 and must be purchased locally."
If you really read into that, it doesn't say that the food must prepared by the prison staff, it says that that's just usually how the cookie crumbles.
Therefore, it is in my expert opinion as a 22-year-old economics major, that if (1) you are a death row inmate, (2) you live in Florida, (3) you live near one of these cities, (4) your last meal request must be granted no matter what, (5) the prison staff decided that it is too difficult to accurately imitate the overdone burgers and soggy fries of America's least favorite but most annoying burger chain (6) you can manage to keep your order under $40 (which, looking at the Red Robin menu, isn't that hard), then you're in luck.
Red Robin and their bottomless fries can 100% save your life.
YUM!
