The 8 Red Flags Of A Toxic Relationship

The 8 Red Flags Of A Toxic Relationship

Does he check your phone? Red flag #3.
Disclaimer: These are based in the context of mostly “he” because they are from my personal point of view, but these are signs that reflect off of both men and women.

1. Public fights

Instead of discussing an issue when you get home, he starts fighting with you right there. He doesn’t care who hears, but it’s incredibly embarrassing for you and you would just prefer to fake a smile until the night is over so you two can discuss it alone. Public fighting shows that him/her being right or getting their point across right there is more important than the quality time you’re spending with your friends or family.

2. Going out without him

If going out without your significant other starts fights, this is a red flag. If he gets upset over other guys being there, this is also a red flag. This shows that he is insecure and isn’t trusting you or your judgment. A relationship without trust can become toxic very quickly and isn’t healthy for either of you.

3. He checks your phone

If your man is checking your phone or reading your texts, he doesn’t trust you. He is obviously looking for something specific, maybe to see if you’re texting other guys or talking to your girlfriends about him. Either way, it’s just not healthy and shouldn’t be happening in the relationship. You also shouldn’t be checking his phone either; if you have questions, ask him. If you don’t believe his word, that’s a question of the trust in your relationship as a whole.

4. He doesn’t follow your social media accounts

Because it makes him “upset or jealous when he sees you responding to certain people”. This should be an obvious red flag but apparently, some of us don’t realize it until after the breakup. This is a major sign of insecurity in themselves as well as the relationship. He should support you always, even on something so small as social media.

5. Can’t have friends of the opposite sex

That you talk to on a regular basis without them thinking you are catching feelings or being unfaithful. You should be able to have guy friends. Guy friends are a great resource to confide in to understand the “guy side of things” and can enhance your relationship with your significant other. Furthermore, it is another red flag of a lack of trust in your relationship and an insecurity of themselves, as a lover and/or as a confident individual.

6. Holds you back from opportunities

You are young right now! I cannot emphasize this enough. You should be taking advantage of being young and travel as much as you can as well as other things you enjoy without constantly working around a man’s schedule. If you want to study abroad for a semester and your significant other says your relationship won’t last long-distance, then forget him! If you aren’t strong enough to make it long distance for a short amount of time, you probably aren’t strong enough to stay together forever. You have to be honest with yourself; if he doesn’t support your decisions to pursue your dreams or doesn’t have the same expectations or goals for life as you do, in the long-run it could be catastrophic. Do NOT make your life decisions off of a boy/girl you will most likely not get married to. You will regret it so much later on.

7. Pressures you to unfollow/block certain people

This is just weird. Do you see your parents making each other block/unfollow people on social media? I sure hope not. Not only should they not be allowed to control who you talk to, but this shouldn’t be okay to you either.

8. Tells you what to wear

If you’re rocking a hot bikini or a cute mini dress that makes you feel good and he tells you to change, it’s not his place. He shouldn’t feel threatened by other guys seeing you in a bikini or a “going out” outfit. You decide what you wear. There is a difference between being concerned about the way you’re dressing (like a dad) and controlling how you are dressing as a boyfriend/girlfriend.

Most of these issues come down to trust and insecurities. I’m sure we’ve all experienced an unhealthy or toxic relationship in one way or another. We may have been in one, or maybe we’ve seen someone else go through it. Either way, a lot of the time you can tell if these issues are going to develop before you start dating. If not, they may develop over time and you may realize that this person isn’t who you thought they were. That’s completely okay. It’s okay to not be with your first love forever and a lot of us learn that the hard way.

Even as we go through these battles, as easy or difficult it may be, we have to be strong. You always have to remember to put yourself first. I know what you’re thinking -- this sounds selfish. But you can’t truly be happy in a true relationship unless both parties feel that they make each other better as individuals and as a pair that can stick together through life’s many curveballs. It’s a journey you have to experience together. If any of these red flags ring true, it’s time to reflect and resolve those issues if they can be resolved. If not, the choice is truly up to you.

Cover Image Credit: The CW

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To the Man Who Said I Need to Be Nicer

... If I ever wanted to find a husband.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry your ego is so small that me being 'not being nice' to you has disrupted your archaic way of thinking: that a woman's only purpose is to please a man. I'm sorry that you think the only possible reason I was 'mean' to you was because I'm taking out my "same-sex attraction" out on you. I'm so sorry that you are so full of yourself that you couldn't possibly think that maybe you and your sexist remarks are the problem. I am so sorry that no woman has ever told you how arrogant, condescending, and misogynistic you really are.

I'm sorry that I lead you to believe that the only goal I have in life, as a 20 year old college student, is to find a husband. I'm sorry that instead of preparing myself to be a good little house wife, I learned how to have a mouth on me. I'm sorry I'm not the quiet, small, petite, nice girl you think I should be.

I'm sorry that you went your whole life thinking women were supposed to soft little flowers every single waking second of their life. I'm sorry no one told you women aren't soft spoken, Disney princesses. I'm sorry that despite being around women your whole entire life, you have no idea how to interact with one that doesn't like you. I'm sorry you live under this illusion that you are God's gift to man kind and women should fall right at your feet.

But lets be real. I'm so not sorry.

I'm not sorry that I don't care what you think. I'm not sorry that I'm not some ditsy air head that feels ever so lucky to be in a mans presence. I'm not sorry that I'm smart enough to correct you when you're wrong. I'm not sorry I'm that I intimidate you. I'm not sorry that I'm well-educated. I'm not sorry that you feel threatened by a strong independent woman.

I'm not sorry that finding a husband at my age (which, again, is 20) is not my number one priority. I'm not sorry that I think finding myself and being single when I'm young is a great plan. I'm not sorry that I would rather get my degree than be married right now. I'm not sorry that I would rather spend Friday nights hanging out with my friends than stay home to make a man a sandwich while doing his laundry.

I'm not sorry that you're offended by this article. I'm not sorry that I don't like you, or other guys that act exactly like you. I'm not sorry that I can see through your "nice guy" facade, and know how big of a pompous creep you really are.

This is not hate piece on all men. This a hate piece on you.

Have fun finding a wife.

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21 Days Of Heartbreak

Journal entries recording 21 days after a breakup

If you’ve ever experienced heartbreak then you understand that it’s some of the worst pain there is, but you also understand that you learn so much from it. Writing gave me a way to express my emotions in a very real and honest way and it helped me to eventually heal from that pain. I recorded 21 days of journal entries after breaking up with the first person I ever fell in love with and I decided to publish it because even though at the time I felt like no one could understand what I was going through, I now realize that there are tons of people out there who can relate to how i was feeling. The message I want to send is one of the hope, love and faithfulness that God offers us even in the toughest seasons.

Day 0: I cried all my makeup off before work today, then you surprised me at my doorstep with three yellow roses and three red ones. We kayaked on the reservoir and then watched the sun go down on our dock and held each other like it would last forever. You texted me "I love you always. until next time my best of friends" and I answered with "I love you forever." I do.

Day 1: I woke up to the white noise of your phone call after crying until 3 am with you on the line, then I cried for 2 more hours. I spent the day with friends and everyone wanted to go to Applebee's, but I couldn't go because we had just been there Monday night and you let me order my two favorite appetizers. I couldn't look at that table where we sat without my heart splitting.

Day 2: We said goodbye until September 7 because we both needed time alone; I'm counting down the days. I kept my phone on ring tonight in case you called, even though I knew you wouldn't… then I cried my heart out until I could fall asleep.

Day 3: I didn't wake up crying this morning, even though my dreams were about you. I didn't cry until the song we slow danced to at prom came on the radio. Another boy called me beautiful today and it didn't mean anything because it didn't come from you.

Day 4: I woke up from a dream about you and I could feel you with me again. Also seeing pictures of happy couples makes my heart just crumble because that should be us.

Day 5: I was driving near your house tonight and it took everything in me not to pull into your driveway and knock on your door just to feel you hold me again.

Day 6: I told you that I missed you today and you answered as if we were friends, not in love anymore, and my heart shattered into pieces and I cried until I could fall asleep.

Day 7: I woke up at 4 am and wished I was in your arms. During the daytimes, I've been okay, but at night time I lay in my bed and wish you still wanted me. It makes my heart break.

Day 8: I think you went to our favorite Starbucks yesterday. I haven't been able to go because it makes me too sad.

Day 9: The beautiful flowers you gave me are dying now, so I have to throw them away before college but I saved petals from them.

Day 10: I had a dream that my house was flooding and I had to take as many things with me as I could carry. I took your box of letters and polaroids with all my most important belongings.

Day 11: I got on a plane and flew a thousand miles away from you today. I don't think you know how hard it was for me not to call you one last time last night.

Day 12: You were in my dreams again tonight and I kept accidentally calling you babe and you were telling me it's ok, but it wasn't.

Day 13: Today we drove in the pouring rain and I thought about how when you're driving and you can't really see what's ahead when you drive under a bridge and there is some clarity and security and everything stops. Being with you was being under a bridge, but now it's pouring on me again.

Day 14: I kept thinking of the night we said goodbye and how you wanted to kiss me one last time and I didn't let you. I wanted to only remember the happy kisses, no goodbyes. I couldn't stop thinking about how you let me just walk away and how you said goodnight for the last time and I cried until I could sleep again.

Day 15: I had a dream that you wanted me back last night. It's been 2 weeks since we broke up, but it feels like I haven't seen you in forever. I miss holding your hand.

Day 16: I wanted to bring you back something from vacation, but I couldn't really find anything. I miss you. You look like you're doing really well and you're really happy.

Day 17: You gave me all this happiness and love, then you took it all away from me and it's not fair. I have to get up every day and pretend that I'm okay with the fact that I loved someone with everything I could and it wasn't enough for him to stay with me and it's not ripping my heart into pieces even weeks later. I cried until i could sleep again, for hours. Until i felt like i had no more tears left.

Day 18: I got to my new home in Lakeland and it's perfect and I love it, but it still doesn’t really feel like home without you.

Day 19: I moved in and hung a photo of us from New Years on my wall because you're too important to not be in one of the pictures.

Day 20: I actually forgot to write to you this day.

Day 21: They say it takes 21 days to break a habit and I don't think of you so much anymore. I don't leave my phone on ring at night anymore either.

Day 184: I’m finally happy without you. I’m so happy and content and it feels good.

Heartbreak is sad and it can be lonely and so hard some days, but it has taught me that there is always hope and these things don’t last forever. Although it took more than 21 days, one of the biggest things I’ve come to realize is that seasons of heartbreak and loneliness are only temporary because there is always victory in Christ. Romans 8:38 tells us that “We are more than conquerors through Him who loved us” - we are MORE than conquerors! We are overwhelmingly victorious because God is so much greater than the lies that heartbreak feeds us. Lies like “I’m not enough," “I did something wrong," “If he didn’t love me then who will?” - God is greater than any doubt or any fear. He’s greater than toxic relationships, lust and rejection.

No matter what season of life you’re in, I just want to encourage you! Throughout every season of life whether it’s a time of joy or sadness, God remains faithful and patient with us. How lucky are we to receive a never ending love from the One who knows every part of us? God sees the good, the bad and the ugly and His love never wavers. He allows us to endure seasons with a purpose and He promises to carry us through it all.

Cover Image Credit: Grace Jicha

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