First of all, I want to say to anyone who is in a toxic relationship or recovering from one, you are not alone.
I emphasize that because that's how I felt during the relationship and afterwards -- I felt alone. I felt nobody understood the damage that was done, what I was having to rebuild, or the intense pain that I was feeling. A lot of people don't understand toxic relationships and I'll admit that before I experienced what it was like to be in one myself; I didn't understand, either. I asked the same questions anyone would ask: Why are you with them? Why do you stay? Why don't you just leave? How could you be so dumb to fall for that? How are you not seeing the red flags? These are easy questions to ask when you're not in a toxic relationship and never have been, but when you've been in one, they're the hardest questions to answer, and the ones you never want to hear. It's easier to fall into a toxic relationship than you think-- love and deception is a powerful thing. However, I'm not here to tell you about the red flags and how to avoid toxic relationships; there's plenty of articles written about that, and maybe one day I'll write my own, but for today, this article is for all you out there who got out of a toxic relationship and are rebuilding your life. You are not alone.
Now, I'm not going to waste my time telling you the story of the emotionally abusive relationship I was a part of. The only thing you need to know is that I was in one, not for long, but long enough for it to do it's damage. Long enough for me to be a shell of the person I once was by the time I managed to get out. And long enough for me to have to rebuild who I was as person, a Christian, and rebuild the relationships in my life. It was a dark time after the breakup. There were a lot of mixed emotions of anger, sadness, guilt, and loneliness, and you're probably feeling these too, but how you respond to these powerful emotions, well, that comes down to you-- it all comes down to you. You can either sulk in it or you can grow from it. You can either pity yourself, or you can be proud of yourself, and I say be proud. As Rafiki said in the Lion King "the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it or learn from it." And I agree, learn from it.
The way you decide to handle your past is what will define your future. You can take terrible experiences and let them define you, or you can take the opportunity to rebuild yourself into someone new; someone wiser and stronger than you could imagine yourself being. We can let our negative experiences in life turn us into bitter, cold and closed-off people, but I say don't. When I looked at myself in the mirror after coming out of my toxic relationship, I saw a girl who was broken, yes, but I also saw a girl with potential. I had made mistakes, but I was willing to learn from them. I was not going to let them define me. I wasn't going to be the girl that was trapped and controlled anymore. No, I was going to be better. I was going to be stronger. I was going to be worth more than that.
I looked at myself and saw a shell of a person-- my light was gone. My family and friends said that they missed me, but I never left. But my spark, my spirit, and what made me unique was gone, and I was going to fight to get it back. I sought out God more than I have ever sought Him before. I didn't blame any of my mistakes and bad experiences on Him; no, that burden was on me. But God helped me to carry that burden, and He helped me to forgive myself. When recovering from a toxic relationship it's very important that you realize that you are not the monster your abuser made you out to be. It's very important that you find your worth again, and find that worth in Christ. Your abuser may have made your "mistakes" define you, but you don't have to live by that anymore, and you never deserved to in the first place. Please realize you didn't deserve any of this.
The most important thing when recovering from a toxic relationship is to give yourself time. Give yourself time alone to rebuild yourself, to forgive yourself, and to love yourself again. Coming out of a toxic relationship you will question who you are. You'll ask yourself time and time again "who am I?" and you'll believe that everything was your fault. You'll believe that you're a disaster and that you ruin everything. You'll doubt every decision you make and apologize for everything. Give yourself time to get out of that sick routine. Your abuser manipulated you to believe all of those things, and nothing more. You are not a monster and you are not stupid and weak. Remind yourself of all the reasons you got out of that relationship and never look back. Be proud of yourself. I know it'll be hard to build yourself up after you let someone tear you down for so long, but you are worth it. You are so worth it.
To everyone recovering from a toxic relationship, you are not alone. You are not alone. Don't fall into the despair that follows after you get out. Don't go back--don't look back. Your abuser saw you as weak and easily deceived, but I say fight back and show them that you are strong. Don't only rebuild what you lost, but build it back stronger and better than it was before. Give yourself time to face all of your demons, come to terms with it and accept it for what it was. Move on. Don't let your negative experiences define you. I don't want to be known as the girl who was emotionally abused, I want to be known as the girl who fought back, who got out, and who is a light and guide to others. You can be that too. You are not weak, you are not a monster, you are not stupid, you are not alone. The fight isn't over, my friends. You got out, but who you're going to create yourself to be now, well, that comes down to you.
How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing the Lord’s praise,
for he has been good to me.
-Psalm 13:1-6
