I'm sitting here with countless ideas for what I want to write about but the immediate go-tos are struggles Ive been through. I love writing through my problems, because for me, it helps me heal. But this is not going to be one of those pieces.
I have found love in spoken word poetry and have gotten so much inspiration from writers who go on stage and give life and new meaning to their words. I have to mention one writer who helped me realize something and whose words were a verbal sign I needed. I think I needed hear her voice to ring through to my brain and shock my thoughts alive. Blythe Baird has a poem called "When the Fat Girl Gets Skinny" that is about her journey with her eating disorder. If you haven't heard it, take a listen.
Two lines sparked in my brain and sent goosebumps down my arms when I heard them. "How could I not fall in love with my illness" and "Why would I ever stop wanting to be hungry when anorexia was the most interesting thing about me". I listened to this video over and over and each time I feel the same response. The same ache in her voice, I feel in my stomach. I, too, have struggled with an eating disorder and so maybe thats why it hits me as hard as it does. But I think the main thing I learned from her poem is how much I realized I allowed my struggles to become my friends, and that they are not the most interesting things about me anymore.
When someone says "tell me about yourself" I immediately think about struggles I have overcome and how they shaped who I am instead of happy-go-lucky fun facts. I sometimes think that hearing what I've overcome is more interesting then hearing who I am. Up until now, I thought these were the most interesting things about me: my anxiety, my eating disorder, my past struggles with self harm and depression and my ability to understand mental illness. Those are not things that people really care about, though. Sure, they are interesting in the sense that I have been through them and they shape who I am, but they aren't all of who I am. They aren't friends I should take out to dinner, they are mere pictures in a scrapbook. They aren't the most interesting things about me, I do not need to cling to them anymore. I have so many other dimensions to who I am.
I am challenging myself to let go of the past because its just that, the past. I've overcome it, its shaped me but it doesn't define me. So here is a list of just a few things that are more interesting about me then the struggles...
1) My favorite outfits consist of converse, ripped jeans, black shirts and flannels.
2) I like to drive with my windows down and my music up and sing along even though I'm completely tone deaf and people stare at me at red lights.
3) I never liked coffee until I actually started working at Starbucks but even now my go to drink is not a doppio espresso but a hazelnut mocha.
4) When I was little I wanted to be an ice cream truck driver. I thought it would be so cool because I loved ice cream, wanted to learn to drive, and everyone was always happy when they heard the ice cream truck drive down the street.
5) I love getting compliments but don't know how to receive them so I can be really awkward when I get them.
6) My dream car was a VW bug. I did drive a little yellow VW bug named Belle for awhile complete with a flower on my dash until she started falling apart and I had to trade her in. (side note Belle is my favorite Disney princess and her gown was yellow so it fit perfectly).
7) I have a need for organization, especially if I feel like other things in my life are out of my control.
8) I crave adventures and traveling so I'm drawn to people who bring out that side of me and will go with me anywhere. (adventures for me range from shopping at my local target with my best friend to missing a train and getting lost in Austria)
9) I have done several mission trips and feel like I was most at peace when I was getting immersed in other peoples culture and helping them in any way I could. Wether it was helping teach in their preschools, building roads for their town, or playing with the kids to distract them from their troubles.
10) My favorite thing in the world is finding people who I can stay awake until 4am with and talk about anything and everything with even if our opinions are completely different.
None of these things are particularly astounding, but they make up who I am. "So how lucky it is now to be boring" Baird said in her poem. I need to remember that these things, while at first might seem boring, are better topics then my tragedies most of the time. There is a time and a place to talk about things. I think its healthy to talk about struggles and it can be incredibly healing, but I also think its healthy and necessary to learn to look forward more then I look back. I can't blame anyone but myself for staying in the same place I'm at if I keep letting my mind wander to my past.
So I challenge you all to take a look at your life and think of what keeps you stuck in the puddles of your past. The struggles I have faced were my rainy days, they made puddles that were sometimes so big I would get stuck in for days. I'm learning now to jump in the puddles, making a splash by bringing up topics that are harder to talk about, but then moving forward and looking up at the rainbow because the sun is out now.
