Realizing that it's time to watch another episode of "The Bachelorette" evokes that feeling of dread you get when you remember the plans you made with someone three weeks ago and all you want to do is lay in bed and watch Netflix. Luckily, watching "The Bachelorette" requires you to neither wear pants nor exercise a single brain cell.
The episode opens up with Kaitlyn getting out of bed, looking fresh-faced and totally unsurprised that she's waking up to several middle-aged cameramen in her bedroom. Several confessionals of her going on about how excited she is to be the bachelorette and how great this journey to find love is going to be. That is, until she meets up with Chris Harrison, who has no problem reminding her that several of the men voted for Britt to be the bachelorette. Like, okay, Britt lost. It's heartbreaking. Can we move on please?
No, no we cannot, because after a few shots of the bros who are pumped to be moving into the mansion, we cut to none other than – BRITT. What the hell? What is she still doing here? Imagine if Mitt Romney lost the election in 2012 and then just decided to hangout at the White House for a long weekend with the Obamas, crying about how he lost and making everyone uncomfortable. That's about as ridiculous as Britt's appearance in this episode, and yes, I did just compare two bachelorette contestants to U.S. presidential candidates. Anyway, Britt laments about her failure to find love just in time for Brady, colloquially known (by me) as "Douche Charming," to show up and console her. The rest of the episode is riddled with teases involving Britt and Brady's budding romance, and the credits roll with Brady asking Britt to essentially "go steady" with him, because we are apparently in some weird episode shot in the 1950s where people actually ask that question.
Okay, back to Kaitlyn. The second episode of each season introduces the foundational concepts of the show: there are group dates, and there are one-on-one dates. Perhaps the greatest aspect of any of this nonsense is that the show always, without fail, tries to convince us that the bachelor/bachelorette is the one who actually plans the outrageously designed dates. This episode gives us three mind-numbing dates: a boxing group date with resident badass Laila Ali, an underwater photography one-on-one date, and a group date where the guys collectively embarrass themselves in front of Kaitlyn and comedian Amy Schumer by doing bad improv.
The Bachelor/Bachelorette dates, especially in the beginning of each season are generally yawn-inducing for me, but we'll discuss them anyway. The first date is a group date where the guys meet up with Kaitlyn at a boxing gym, accompanied by professional boxer Laila Ali. This is where the guys must walk a thin line between being totally enamored by all the boxing equipment while still pretending to be way more into Kaitlyn, who they just met yesterday. The temptation especially gets to Kupah, who seems to lose interest in Kaitlyn entirely once he starts hitting one of the punching bags. (More on him later.) But the real drama starts when Laila tells the guys that they'll be participating in real fights to win Kaitlyn's heart, I guess? It's not like other group dates, where the winner of the challenge gets special one-on-one time with the bachelorette. So not only do these guys have to fight each other, but they receive no tangible benefit from doing so. Fun, right? Actually, no. This is pretty messed up, and the guys seem to realize it, but they do it anyway because they're mindless brones (that's “drone" plus “bro") who are, like, totally there for the right reasons.
Next up is the one-on-one date, where Kaitlyn and Clint go to a pool and get professional underwater photos taken of them because that's a normal thing to do on a first date. The only notable moment that came from this snooze fest is when Kaitlyn is driving them to the date location and Clint is condescending to Kaitlyn by mentioning that “at least it's not a stick shift." Kaitlyn responds by saying she wishes it were a stick shift because they're more fun to drive. Kaitlyn rocks.
The improv group date is both terrible and amazing at the same time. Terrible because JJ is a buffoon and still somehow gets the group date rose, but amazing because Amy Schumer's confessionals provide some sanity and expresses exactly what we're thinking; JJ is a sweetheart, he's just missing, like, charisma, humility, and a sense of humor. Also, Tony who's been training for this his whole life, but we're still unclear if the “this" he is referring to is being a contestant on show or doing improv on the show. Either way, I believe him.
Finally, we get to Kupah. It's hard to have sympathy for Kupah, though, seeing as he's supposedly concerned about having not made a connection with Kaitlyn when he himself admitted in the beginning of the episode that he voted for Britt. Not that anyone's vote should determine his standing with Kaitlyn, but he hasn't shown all that much interest in Kaitlyn at all, so he doesn't really have room to talk. Either way, his final confessional is pretty great because he actually shows some real emotion, unlike the other brones. If this outburst is any indication, it seems like this season of "The Bachelorette" may show us some actual, raw emotion, and I for one am not complaining.
