Thanksgiving is truly the worst American Holiday we force upon ourselves year after year. Never mind the extremely sketchy and questionable historical reasoning behind why we celebrate the holiday in the first place (if you don’t already know, read a book sometime). There are plenty of modern-day reasons to hate this holiday just as much as I do.
1. Why do we all collectively pretend turkey is good?
Turkey isn’t good. It's chicken’s less attractive, less charming cousin. I don’t understand why we dedicate an entire day to eating this pasty heap of rubbery sawdust. The only things I would rather eat on Thanksgiving aside from turkey is literally anything else. Think of anything else, and that’s what I’d rather eat. And I know there’s the one prideful aunt we all know and tolerate who’s reading this now, saying, “My stuffing, gravy, seasoning and spices make my turkey one of a kind”. No, Aunt Helen, all you did was artificially flavor an already flavorless food item with a thousand-year-old recipe, and we are tired of pretending to love it.
2. Thanksgiving is your family’s opportunity to bring up everything you hate to talk about.
Thanksgiving is the perfect platform for your parents to bring up any and all topics of conversation regarding their precious college child. Will they share the news of that great internship you received? Perhaps they may shower you with public praise over your decent grades last semester so grandma finally has someone to be proud of No, because that’s not what Thanksgiving is about. Thanksgiving is your parents' opportunity to bring the problems in your life to center stage, and you suddenly become the top priority on the 2015 United Nation of Your Family Conference, held at Aunt Helen’s house. Think about the worst thing anyone could possibly talk about in front of you. Now prepare for that to be the topic of discussion for at least three hours while all of your relatives give their two cents about it. I feel as though most of you don’t need to continue reading at this point; it’s completely necessary that you boycott Thanksgiving this year.
3. We are only weeks away from having to do this all over again.
There’s nothing more important than being able to cherish the times in life when the entire family is able to get together -- there’s joy, crying, laughter. However by the time New Year’s Eve rolls around and you’ve attended your 126th family event, you’re all crying and laughing for completely different reasons. After being a part of a large family for the last 20 years of my life, my professional opinion is that there is such a thing as “too much family time.” I go from seeing none of these people for months while I’m at school to suddenly having all 28 of them want me to catch them up on the last year of my life -- 28 different times. I suggest you all prep PowerPoint presentations, sit the entire family down, and get it over with all at once. Oh, and don’t even get my started on the abusive amount of uncle or dad jokes endured...
4. We can’t celebrate our December holiday of choice until Turkey Slaughter day is over.
Every year, we are deprived at least 20 solid days of prime holiday celebration between November 1st and Thanksgiving. I don’t know about you, but the moment I step out of that itchy latex store-bought unoriginal cat costume, I am stepping right into my jingle bells and Santa hat, and no one can stop me. To my fellow December holiday-loving brethren who are mocked, shamed or oppressed from spreading cheer because the saw-dust eaters tell us we “have to wait”, I stand with thee in solidarity. Let the ugly sweaters be worn, let the chestnuts roast, and for the love of all that is jolly, let the Michael Bublé CD play!
Now I am clearly a modern day Thanksgiving hater -- I have my reasons, as do many. However, there are many of you out there who still deeply love and enjoy this “holiday” (it's my article, quotation marks are my artistic right), and that’s okay. Thanksgiving is a day that means different things to different people all across this great nation. Perhaps it’s the only time you ever get to see a certain family member, or maybe many wonderful childhood memories were birthed on this day. Or maybe you just like the taste of chalky pasty meat. Whatever your reason for loving or loathing Thanksgiving, I hope you have a great (or not so terrible) one.
And yeah it’s still the worst.
