Some names have been replaced for privacy.

The day I got the call from Jamie will forever playback in my mind. I answered the call to, “Kayla’s dead.” And immediately said, “You’re kidding.” Why would I even think that was a joke? It wasn’t funny, and everyone knew that’s not something I would’ve laughed about. I guess I just thought you all were trying to lighten the mood since everything had been so gloomy recently.

I should’ve known Jamie wasn’t kidding by the way she was choking on her words and holding back tears, but I was in disbelief.

I'm still in disbelief.

I told Jamie I loved her and that I’d call her right back. As I dialed Beth’s number I simultaneously texted Kyra and told her to call Jamie. Being so far away from home was hard, but I knew we had each other.

It’s been four-hundred and forty-two days since I got the call and I still haven’t found a way to cope with it.

Yeah, it gets easier with time. It gets easier to hide my emotions and act like nothing’s wrong. It gets easier to push away everyone close to me in hopes I’ll never feel that pain again.

Kayla and I were so similar it was painful. We connected on so many things it was crazy. Unfortunately, with all the parallels it caused us to clash a lot. Way more than I’m proud of. One thing I am proud of was our ability to forgive each other. After one of us realized we were being childish we were quick to apologize and go right back to “I love you.”

Your funeral was hard. Seeing you there.

That is an image burned into my memory. Even though I know you’re gone I still find myself saying, “Kayla would love that!” Or “That looks like something Kayla would get” and then the realization hits me, and it hurts.

I always remember the things we planned on doing together and all the things I’ll never get to tell you. Living for me and for you are my top priorities now. I know you are still with me and we deserve to experience all the things we wanted to.

After your funeral, we all tried to act normal and cope in our own ways. But it really didn’t work. I know you’re probably looking at us all and thinking, “What the hell is wrong with y'all?!”

You would be so pissed at us for not being friends anymore.

But you know what, your death taught me the greatest life lessons.

After you died it really showed me who our friends were, and it taught me that even if you’ve known someone for 10+ years, that doesn’t matter. Shitty people only help themselves and only worry about themselves.

I remember convincing Jamie and Beth that they would be fine and become friends again.

When you died they took it the hardest.

You all had grown so close when Kyra and I went off to college. But it was hard for us too. It was absolute chaos when we came home for the funeral. We were told the wrong dates and had to reschedule plane tickets and exams.

One of my professors wouldn’t even let me make up the exam I was going to miss. It was OK though, I would’ve missed every single exam if I could’ve spent one last day with you.

During that short week of being home, all of us were on edge. There was a lot of bickering and humiliating things that were said. Our “friends” had said that Kyra was treating your death like a vacation…. I’m still in shock that they would even say that.

I can only imagine the things they said about me while I wasn’t there. And I’ll only be able to imagine them because both Jamie and Beth ghosted me, so I’ll never be able to ask. I’ll never know what they said about us at work that made the entire staff dislike us. And I’ll never know how they tell this exact same story. And I’m OK with that.

And although they're not dead; they're dead to me.