Anyone who has ever fallen in love will tell you that it's scary. You are in your most vulnerable state; opening yourself up to this new person heart, body and soul, bearing everything about yourself for them to see. Being put through emotional abuse from a past lover makes it all that much harder. Everything this new person says and does is questioned and analyzed endlessly in your mind, no matter how hard you try not to. Walls are put up to keep this person from becoming too close to you, even though that's the one thing you long for.
Opening myself up to someone again after enduring the toxicity and damage of an emotionally abusive relationship has been terrifying, raw, and somewhat painful. A cacophony of emotions swirl around in me constantly; I fear that this man will leave me broken hearted once again, I'm angry at myself for being so damaged and insecure although it wasn't my fault, and I'm almost always enveloped in terror and panic whenever something goes awry. These emotions never fail to leave me confused.
Having been put down and never truly cared about in my previous relationship, I have a difficult time accepting compliments and sweet words said to me, even though I know they're genuine this time around. I never know how to react, and usually, I end up brushing them off because I'm so accustomed to believing that they're said only to make me feel good and not because that's truly how this other person feels about me.
The most terrifying thing about this whole experience is knowing that if this man left me, I'd be in complete shambles once again. He's the first man I've been able to successfully open up to since my emotionally abusive relationship. I've never felt so connected to someone before him. Not only do we share nearly all the same values, morals, and beliefs, but he truly cares about me. He encourages me to do well in college, supports my goals and dreams, and accepts me for me. Even knowing all of that, I still have a lingering fear that one day he will grow tired of helping me through my insecurities and leave to find a woman who isn't damaged.
I find myself close to tears whenever I think about him and how much he means to me. A deep, heart wrenching ache fills me afterward nearly every time, reminding me that my heart is still wounded and raw from my past. Nonetheless, in roughly two months time I've been able to open myself up to him enough to fall for him. I love him, and that scares the hell out of me.
Even though this process hasn't been easy, I wouldn't change a thing. Finding love again, and this time the love I deserve, has proven to be the best thing to happen to me in a long time.
