How To Know If You're Ready To Have A Child

How To Know If You're Ready To Have A Child

Three simple ways to test yourself!

So... you’re thinking about having a child. Well, I hope you got married first, you goddamn dirty ape. I kid; I am not my grandfather. Nonetheless, there are a few tests you can attempt first to know if you are truly ready to care for a child.

1. The Smartphone Test

Before we dive into this test, let’s discuss a few things that children need to survive: food, water, and attention. Now let’s equate a child to a Samsung Galaxy s6. The test here is simple: Do not let your smartphone get under 25% for an entire week. Think about it, not letting your phone die for one week is about the equal of not letting a child die. But you can’t let your phone get to just 5% before you charge it. Can you imagine if your child got to just 5%? That’s a death-crib! Keep it at 25% or above.

If you keep your phone’s battery above 25% for an entire week, the accomplishment shows you can pay the attention needed to care for a child. Think of a charging station as meals and diaper changes for your child. They are often needed at terrible times and you will have to go out of your way to find one. The only difference between a phone and a baby? Siri is more intelligent and doesn’t shit itself.

2. The Porn Test

The time period for this test is the same as above: one week. Raising a child means having to give up items you used to need. You’ll often have to swap out working on the house for rocking your daughter to sleep. So to predict if you’ll be able to withstand such large lifestyle changes, you must substitute watching porn with doing the dishes. Anytime you get the urge to watch porn, go wash the dishes. Anytime you want to masturbate, go wash the dishes. Significant other comes onto you? Go wash the dishes together. Pretty soon you’ll feel so beaten down that you’ll just wash the dishes without even thinking about it. That sort of crushed spirit is what children thrive on. Get used to it.

3. The Annoying Person Test

Children are the ultimate sanity teasers. One moment you’re in tears of joy because they drew you a picture and the next moment you’re in snot of rage because they drew that picture on the wall. So to prepare for youngster-onset bipolar disorder, spend some time with the most annoying person you know. And don’t forget to do very mundane tasks together. Go fishing without bait. Maybe try the $1.49 chicken nuggets at Burger King…without any sauce. Just when you’re about ready to murder your annoying friend, go do something fun! Ride go-karts and remember what relative happiness feels like.

The Wrap-up

Children are roller coasters, except that any post-pubescent age can ride. It doesn’t mean that everyone should ride, but if you passed all three of these tests, you’re one step closer to being able to raise a child. I only passed two of these tests, but that didn’t stop me from having two children with one woman and a third child on the way with a different woman. I’m ignoring them all right now to write this article.

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Fueled By Social Media

We are so much more than the photos we post or the number of likes we receive.

There are many times where I wonder what my generation would do without social media. I am certain that I would not have all of the friends that I do now, as some of my best friendships were started through social media recognition, but I am also sure that we may be much happier than we are now.

I really do feel like we cannot go to a single event without documenting each and every part of what we do, which is sad because we never actually get to experience anything without the nagging pressure in the back of our minds to take photos to capture these moments. Half of the people I know plan out their Instagram captions before even taking the photo, which shows that we consistently have our social media appearances on our minds.

All of these unrealistic and unattainable expectations are only amplified by social media. It is almost too easy to compare our lives to everyone that we see on our timelines; I mean, social media was ultimately created to share intimate details of our lives with those who care about us (or the other 100's of followers you may have.) I read a novel the other day that reminded me of the immense pressure we are put under as teenagers, college students, and young adults. We are expected to thrive in every aspect of our lives: academic, personal, emotional, and participate in a plethora of extracurriculars that will eventually lead us to save the world or cure cancer.

But wait.. the truth is, social media is not at all intimate in any way; in my opinion, it is one of the biggest illusions there are. Our profiles are entirely curated to show people the aspects of what we want our followers to see. This usually comes in the form of achievements or positive announcements (new jobs, academic achievements, marriage, babies, etc.)

Although it may seem like a personal view of that person's life, it is actually extremely impersonal. With the snapshot photos or short videos, we are only viewing glimpses of their lives, and usually the parts they are comfortable enough to share with the world; it does not get more surface level than that.

Our Instagram profiles and Facebook timelines portray a completely filtered view of our lives. We completely miss out on the personal aspects of peoples lives such as how they actually feel, what they actually think, and what they are actually experiencing. We should be extremely careful when passing judgment or making assumptions about someone's life just from their social media presence, as they are so much more than the photos they post or the number of likes they receive.

We are humans with delicate feelings, intricate thoughts, and lives that would take several novels to write all of our stories and experiences. We should remember to experience moments for the sheer experience rather than focusing our energy on taking the perfect photo.

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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10 Boards Every Basic Girl Has On Her Pinterest

"To sleep or to pin? That is the question."

Pinterest: a dreamland for basic girls everywhere.

But what is the appeal to such a site? Well, the magic inside. These 10 Boards help girls everywhere dream big and learn new ways to live their best lives.

1. Future Home

To start off our list, we have the Future Home Board. This board is perfect for planning out your future and nearly always has tips and tricks for every girl's dream house.

2. Dream Wedding

Similar to the Future House Board, the Dream Wedding board is an easy way for girls to plan out their future. This board contains everything from Bachelorette Party ideas to the perfect ceremony.

3. Beauty

The Beauty Board is a must-have for every girl to stay on top of her beauty game. From work out motivation to face masks, this board is a common obsession for girls of all ages.

4. DIY

The Do It Yourself Board is a sure find on every girl's Pinterest. This board will have all kinds of ideas such as crafts, cleaning, and tricks to keep the day carefree.


It's no surprise that the Quotes Board made this list. All kinds of motivational, sad, happy, and spiritual quotes are hidden in this basic girl's gold mine.

6. Clothing

A Clothing Board is a common find on a basic girl's Pinterest. This board will keep a girl's dreams in reach by keeping all clothing and accessories in an easy access place.

7. Organization

The Organization Board is a good catch-all for a basic girl to keep everything together. An easy way to make sense of a crazy life, this board will hold every must have in one place.

8. Travel

A true dream for every basic traveler is the Travel Board. These boards contain tips and tricks to make every trip a good one. Young travelers from all over can dream about where life may take them, and this board is sure to help makes those dreams come true.

9. Food

A sure find on any girl's Pinterest is the Food Board. This board contains everything from healthy snacks all the way to sweet treats. The perfect combination of shopping lists and recipes, it's the perfect place to store every girl's dream snacks.

10. Crafts

To top off the list, we have the most basic of all Pinterest Boards: The Craft Board. Full of everything from canvases to collages, this board is a true expression of all that Pinterest has to offer.

Cover Image Credit: Good Free Photos

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