So... you’re thinking about having a child. Well, I hope you got married first, you goddamn dirty ape. I kid; I am not my grandfather. Nonetheless, there are a few tests you can attempt first to know if you are truly ready to care for a child.

1. The Smartphone Test

Before we dive into this test, let’s discuss a few things that children need to survive: food, water, and attention. Now let’s equate a child to a Samsung Galaxy s6. The test here is simple: Do not let your smartphone get under 25% for an entire week. Think about it, not letting your phone die for one week is about the equal of not letting a child die. But you can’t let your phone get to just 5% before you charge it. Can you imagine if your child got to just 5%? That’s a death-crib! Keep it at 25% or above.

If you keep your phone’s battery above 25% for an entire week, the accomplishment shows you can pay the attention needed to care for a child. Think of a charging station as meals and diaper changes for your child. They are often needed at terrible times and you will have to go out of your way to find one. The only difference between a phone and a baby? Siri is more intelligent and doesn’t shit itself.

2. The Porn Test

The time period for this test is the same as above: one week. Raising a child means having to give up items you used to need. You’ll often have to swap out working on the house for rocking your daughter to sleep. So to predict if you’ll be able to withstand such large lifestyle changes, you must substitute watching porn with doing the dishes. Anytime you get the urge to watch porn, go wash the dishes. Anytime you want to masturbate, go wash the dishes. Significant other comes onto you? Go wash the dishes together. Pretty soon you’ll feel so beaten down that you’ll just wash the dishes without even thinking about it. That sort of crushed spirit is what children thrive on. Get used to it.

3. The Annoying Person Test

Children are the ultimate sanity teasers. One moment you’re in tears of joy because they drew you a picture and the next moment you’re in snot of rage because they drew that picture on the wall. So to prepare for youngster-onset bipolar disorder, spend some time with the most annoying person you know. And don’t forget to do very mundane tasks together. Go fishing without bait. Maybe try the $1.49 chicken nuggets at Burger King…without any sauce. Just when you’re about ready to murder your annoying friend, go do something fun! Ride go-karts and remember what relative happiness feels like.

The Wrap-up

Children are roller coasters, except that any post-pubescent age can ride. It doesn’t mean that everyone should ride, but if you passed all three of these tests, you’re one step closer to being able to raise a child. I only passed two of these tests, but that didn’t stop me from having two children with one woman and a third child on the way with a different woman. I’m ignoring them all right now to write this article.