There are three things about which I am absolutely positive;

First, there is a new Twilight book.

Second, there is a part of me, and I don’t know how dominant that part might be, that wants to read this book.

And third, it will be an unconditional and irrevocable mess.

I’ll be the first to admit that like seemingly every other American female alive in 2009, I was once obsessed with the Twilight novels. I was enthralled with the enigma and devoured the stories, I cried when Edward left and returned from his emo bender, and wore the stupid t-shirt with the Cullen family crest whenever I wanted to make a great impression. I became miserably disillusioned with my ninth grade boyfriend when he didn’t treat me like Edward treated Bella (I’m sorry, Jeremy, if you’re reading this. It was so wrong to expect you to break into my home because you lovingly thirsted for my blood). I thought I was the truest fan of what I thought was the greatest love story of our age. Years later as a college student who knows quite a bit more about literature, feminism, and human decency, I cringe at my former self and that odd little person’s taste. But that doesn’t mean I wasn’t going to hands down, without a doubt, read every single page of the Twilight Tenth Anniversary/Life and Death Dual Edition in one sitting. I’m not above that.

However, the story becomes more interesting with one critical change; in the new edition, Stephenie Meyer chose to respond to criticism about Bella’s status as a damsel in distress by changing the identity of each character. Bella is now Beaufort, Edward now Edythe, Alice is now Archie, and so forth.

So, without further ado, put your warm, human hand in Edyth’s cold, dead, vampire one and let’s explore Life and Death together. As a disclaimer, we’re only going to forge through the first chapter because this former Twihard works on a deadline and her editor isn’t having her nonsense today. Now grab on, spider monkey.

The new editon/Life and Death’s first page is a forward from author Stephenie Meyer, which begins with an all-caps “I’M SO SORRY.” She discusses how this edition should have had more content, how it was a rewrite of old material, and before the book even begins we’re left with a sad, sinking feeling. As Julia Child once said, “No matter what happens in the kitchen, never apologize,” because then everyone knows your new novel is dreadfully wrong. As we’ll soon find out this adage does not disappoint.

The rest of the foreword tells us about the haters; namely, people who criticize how Bella is too wrapped up in Edward. First, I can’t help but notice that she doesn’t address the larger criticisms of sexism and flagrant emotional manipulation of a teenage girl by her 110-year-old lover, but who am I to judge? But then, she states, this change was to show readers that this story wasn’t gendered, that the tale is human and could have happened if Bella had been a teenage male, too. And maybe it could, except for the rest of book every character’s gender performance is completely different too, which changes the context of the entire novel and sort of disproves her entire argument but whatever; we. are. Twihards so we’re going to keep going.

The preface with the ballet room scene is exactly the same, but the differences become more visible in chapter one, where the writing is almost exactly the same. We hear about Beau’s leaving Phoenix, the plane ride, the awkward meeting with Charlie, but Meyer has replaced many individual words with synonyms. For example, Bella’s Forks had an “omnipresent shade” whereas Beau’s has a “depressing gloom.” Bella was “compelled” to visit her father as a child, whereas Beau was “forced”. These nuances are tiny; I didn’t even notice until I went through the two editions word-for-word.

But ho! On page three we have some character development. In the first edition, we never really figured out why Bella left Phoenix; something vague about being a third wheel to her mom and new stepdad, probably? But here, we have some backstory: Beau is Renee’s (Beau’s parents’ genders aren’t changed because of child custody decisions in the 1980’s. Of all the places for men’s rights rallying this is kind of a weird one but we’re rolling with it I guess) caregiver who makes sure she pays the bills on time. It’s not an explanation, but we know he probably isn’t moving for no reason, which is a nice update. It’s hard to tell if this is to explain why Beau’s in Forks or to show how masculine he is by stoically taking care of a woman, but there are many minor changes throughout the chapter that show who Beau and Charlie (Beaulla’s dad) are. Charlie scares some jerks at the airport because he’s in uniform, and Beau is wearing a cool Monty Python t-shirt. And then we’re done showing, it’s time to tell. Beau, in an amazing feat to alienate any reader’s empathy, actually describes how bland he is. He used to be bullied, now he isn’t. He doesn’t have any friends or hobbies or anything he cares about. Nobody notices him. He is effectively a bump on a log but he is the protagonist. It’s interesting because this actually kind of worked for Bella; she was easy for the millions of different teenage girl fans to project their own personalities onto. But for a male character, this is a lot harder. Instead of a vessel for our own minds he is the human equivalent of khakis.

However, Beaulla’s next adventure is his first day at Forks High School, in which the plot hurdles forward with a trip to the office and long walks between so many classes oh my gosh why does this take so long. In this new edition the scene is almost verbatim except for the baffling substitutions in word choice again. I had completely forgotten how sad this scene was; Beaulla’s tone as he talks about going to school and making new friends reads almost exactly like Winnie the Pooh’s pal Eyore, except he’s sad that people are welcoming him and eager to sit with him at lunch? Whatever. Let’s keep going because it is time for the first meeting.

Bealla sits with nice people in the cafeteria and everyone recognizes him and he hates it. But then, just as in Twilight, he spots the Cullens and is absolutely struck by their beauty. He describes each of their appearances, but it’s hard to tell which gender swapped Cullen is which- you’d have to do some fun blank-filling here. But we can instantly tell who Edythe is because of course she’s the most attractive. What really strikes me though is that so far, Beaulla is an unremarkable potato but completely taken with Edythe. The rest of this book is going to be like almost every other novel and video game and movie and TV show and whatever else you consume in your free time, in which a beautiful woman is inexplicably attracted to a boring, unkissable man. This was a little more fun when I was the audience but it’s going to be impossible to sit through now.

So far, we’ve been with Beaulla as he leaves Phoenix and waxes poetic about leaving his mother behind, when he arrives in Forks and greets Charlie, who has bought him a cool red truck. We had stayed by his side as he told us how boring he is, and watched over him as he stumbled through his first day of school, finally laying eyes on his undead love Edythe Cullen for the first time.

And that’s where chapter one ends. I’m going to leave you guessing, but you can buy the new edition for about $14 at a cool independent bookstore near you, or for slightly less if you’re a Volturi who shops on Amazon.

And now, some Amazon reviews of our tween dreams come true:

“I just paid $13 for fanfiction. That's what this felt like. Don't get me wrong, I've read some fic that was so good, you forgot it was a derivative work and just got swept along in the story. This time, not so much.”

“You've got to be kidding me. This should be called "how to make some quick bucks without doing much".

“It's the SAME EXACT STORY with different genders in each role (with horrendous names). This doesn't appear to prove anything at all, and simply feels like a blatant money grab."

“Dumb idea.

Dumb names.

Dumb story.

And.....any other dumb thing you can think of”