Sean Petersen
A Rather Humorous Relief from your Finals Troubles
Ah, Finals Week. The veritable hellstorm that plagues all students. Only one word strikes more fear into our poor little hearts, and coincidentally that word occurs during that week: CUMULATIVE. The horror and hysteria it strikes into our hearts! The stress and hatred it places in our minds! With so much dread coming up, it’s only fair that one of us try to cheer everyone up! But what can alleviate the burden that has been placed on us? The answer, of course, is simple: puns!! That’s why, for the next 300 some-odd words, I’m going to pepper you with the most wonderfully dreadful puns the world has ever seen! Hopefully it will cheer you lovely people up a bit and let you survive the torturous finals week! Enjoy~!
- A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
- A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but then I realized that toucan play at that game.
- Thieves have broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shampoo, towels, and deodorant. Dirty bastards.
- What was Forrest Gump’s password: 1Forrest1.
- I wanna make a joke about sodium, but Na…
- In the words of Sean Connery: A book fell on my head the other day. I only have myshelf to blame.
- Did you hear about the campground orgy? It was intense.
- Sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.
- My math teacher called me average. How mean!
- How can you spot the blind guy at a nudist party? It’s not hard.
- I tried giving up on sexual innuendos, but it’s just so hard.
- What’s long and hard and has cum in it? A cucumber, you sick bastards.
- It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
- What do you get when you cross a pun with a rhetorical question?
- I’m writing a script for a porno, but there are just so many holes in the plot.
- In democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.
- My colleague can no longer attend next week’s Innuendo Seminar, so I have to fill her slot instead.
- Relationships between men and women are psychological. Men are logical and the women are psycho.
- Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
Most relevant for this upcoming week:
- I’m emotionally constipated. I haven’t given a shit in days.
And finally, for kicks and giggles:
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” Watson replied, "I see millions of stars.” "What does that tell you?” Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.” "Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.” "Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.” "Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.” "Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.” "What does it tell you, Holmes?” Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"
