Normally, "The Bachelor/Bachelorette" is a must-watch for me. However, after getting heavily involved in a couple of Bachelor Fantasy Leagues last year, I decided to take this season of "The Bachelorette" off to recover from my Bachelor addiction.

However, I did watch one episode last week, and now I feel obligated to subjectively rank all of the contestants based on what I saw. Let's judge some books by their covers!

100. Chris R., Sales Trainer


Chris comes in at number 100 on this list of eleven men because he seemed like the textbook definition of a douchebag. Think mid-2000s John Mayer meets that dumbo race car driver from last season of the Bachelor.

For some reason he kept bringing up the fact that he was a 300-lb child, and also claimed that another contestant (Lincoln) was volatile because he ate 14 eggs a day, and therefore had "cholesterol above 6,000".

But thankfully, Chris R. got eliminated, so good riddance. I hope he has fun with his sales training (whatever the fuck that is).

10. Lincoln, Account Sales Executive


It's hard to tell if Lincoln was actually as bad as Chris R. said, or if he was just the victim of the classic pit-a-white-guy-against-a-black-guy-to-improve-ratings technique. But if I'm being honest, he did seem like a snake in the grass.

Then again he had a cool accent. But who eats 14 eggs a day? Psychopaths, that's who.

9. Blake, Sales Rep


Blake must have gone to the Dwight Schrute School of Hard Knocks because boy does he know how to sit on a fence. He interjected himself into the Chris-Lincoln fued, stealthily slithered his way out of it by talking out of both sides of his mouth, and still managed to finesse a rose from Becca.

I see right through you, Blake.

8. Mike, Sports Analyst


These next two guys are only here because I'm pretty sure that they weren't in the episode that I watched, but the website says they're still in it. I'm just listing them alphabetically.

That being said, Mike looks like a Fabio impersonator.

7. Ryan, Banjoist (Not joking)


And Ryan looks like Jared Kushner.

6. Connor, Fitness Coach


Connor was definitely in the episode but might as well not have been. He really didn't do anything, except for correctly predict that he would get sent home because he had never had a one-on-one with Becca.

He should change his description to "Connor, Psychic".

5. Jason, Sr. Corporate Banker


Jason seemed like a decent guy, but he comes in at five for two reasons. One, he kind of looks like Crispin Glover in Willard.

Two, I guarantee that, given his look and occupation, this guy gets Barstool updates on his phone regularly.

4. Garrett, Medical Sales Rep


Garrett, Garrett, Garrett.

Garrett actually seemed pretty cool, but is obviously not super bright. He kept referring to Becca's state of mind as her "head state" which I don't think is a real phrase.

Or maybe it is. And maybe Garett's a genius. Like I said, I've only seen one episode.

3. Wills, Graphic Designer


Wills's bio says "graphic designer" but his mustache says "1980s pornstar".

But he's extremely charming and also has a great name.

2. Colton, Former Football Player


Colton? I know Colton! You know Colton! We all know Colton!

Colton briefly dated Aly Raisman, remember?

Anyways, he's one of the few guys who didn't get involved in other people's business. He's also a former athlete, super nice, and (dare I say it) very handsome. Moreover, Becca says he treats her like a queen.

It's just to know that somebody in the NFL actually respects women.

1. Leo, Stuntman


At first, I saw Leo, read his occupation, and though "yeah right". Go home Constantine Maroulis!

But order me a t-shirt, because after two hours, I am officially on Team Leo. He was funny, he was nice, and believe it or not, he didn't spend two hours talking about himself. He went on his one-on-one date, he and Becca did some shucking, and he came home and just sat on the couch like a normal human being.


All of that being said, I think we can all agree that no matter how great these guys are, they're no Peter. Man, I miss Peter!

Stay tuned for next week when I review "The Proposal," because I just watched a 30-year-old man propose to a college senior after knowing her for five minutes, and there's no way I'm not tearing that to shreds.