A Completely Subjective Ranking Of The Guys On 'The Bachelorette'

A Completely Subjective Ranking Of The Guys On 'The Bachelorette'

By someone who's only seen one episode.


Normally, "The Bachelor/Bachelorette" is a must-watch for me. However, after getting heavily involved in a couple of Bachelor Fantasy Leagues last year, I decided to take this season of "The Bachelorette" off to recover from my Bachelor addiction.

However, I did watch one episode last week, and now I feel obligated to subjectively rank all of the contestants based on what I saw. Let's judge some books by their covers!

100. Chris R., Sales Trainer


Chris comes in at number 100 on this list of eleven men because he seemed like the textbook definition of a douchebag. Think mid-2000s John Mayer meets that dumbo race car driver from last season of the Bachelor.

For some reason he kept bringing up the fact that he was a 300-lb child, and also claimed that another contestant (Lincoln) was volatile because he ate 14 eggs a day, and therefore had "cholesterol above 6,000".

But thankfully, Chris R. got eliminated, so good riddance. I hope he has fun with his sales training (whatever the fuck that is).

10. Lincoln, Account Sales Executive


It's hard to tell if Lincoln was actually as bad as Chris R. said, or if he was just the victim of the classic pit-a-white-guy-against-a-black-guy-to-improve-ratings technique. But if I'm being honest, he did seem like a snake in the grass.

Then again he had a cool accent. But who eats 14 eggs a day? Psychopaths, that's who.

9. Blake, Sales Rep


Blake must have gone to the Dwight Schrute School of Hard Knocks because boy does he know how to sit on a fence. He interjected himself into the Chris-Lincoln fued, stealthily slithered his way out of it by talking out of both sides of his mouth, and still managed to finesse a rose from Becca.

I see right through you, Blake.

8. Mike, Sports Analyst


These next two guys are only here because I'm pretty sure that they weren't in the episode that I watched, but the website says they're still in it. I'm just listing them alphabetically.

That being said, Mike looks like a Fabio impersonator.

7. Ryan, Banjoist (Not joking)


And Ryan looks like Jared Kushner.

6. Connor, Fitness Coach


Connor was definitely in the episode but might as well not have been. He really didn't do anything, except for correctly predict that he would get sent home because he had never had a one-on-one with Becca.

He should change his description to "Connor, Psychic".

5. Jason, Sr. Corporate Banker


Jason seemed like a decent guy, but he comes in at five for two reasons. One, he kind of looks like Crispin Glover in Willard.

Two, I guarantee that, given his look and occupation, this guy gets Barstool updates on his phone regularly.

4. Garrett, Medical Sales Rep


Garrett, Garrett, Garrett.

Garrett actually seemed pretty cool, but is obviously not super bright. He kept referring to Becca's state of mind as her "head state" which I don't think is a real phrase.

Or maybe it is. And maybe Garett's a genius. Like I said, I've only seen one episode.

3. Wills, Graphic Designer


Wills's bio says "graphic designer" but his mustache says "1980s pornstar".

But he's extremely charming and also has a great name.

2. Colton, Former Football Player


Colton? I know Colton! You know Colton! We all know Colton!

Colton briefly dated Aly Raisman, remember?

Anyways, he's one of the few guys who didn't get involved in other people's business. He's also a former athlete, super nice, and (dare I say it) very handsome. Moreover, Becca says he treats her like a queen.

It's just to know that somebody in the NFL actually respects women.

1. Leo, Stuntman


At first, I saw Leo, read his occupation, and though "yeah right". Go home Constantine Maroulis!

But order me a t-shirt, because after two hours, I am officially on Team Leo. He was funny, he was nice, and believe it or not, he didn't spend two hours talking about himself. He went on his one-on-one date, he and Becca did some shucking, and he came home and just sat on the couch like a normal human being.


All of that being said, I think we can all agree that no matter how great these guys are, they're no Peter. Man, I miss Peter!

Stay tuned for next week when I review "The Proposal," because I just watched a 30-year-old man propose to a college senior after knowing her for five minutes, and there's no way I'm not tearing that to shreds.

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Why High School Musicals Should Be As Respected As Sports Programs Are

The arts are important, too.

When I was in middle school and high school, I felt like I lived for the musicals that my school orchestrated.

For those of you who don't know, a musical is an onstage performance wherein actors take on roles that involve singing, and often dancing, to progress the plot of the story. While it may sound a little bit nerdy to get up in front of an audience to perform in this manner, this is something you cannot knock until you try it.

For some reason, though, many public schools have de-funded arts programs that would allow these musicals to occur, while increasing the funding for sports teams. There are a few things that are being forgotten when sports are valued more than musical programs in high schools.

Much like athletic hobbies, an actor must try-out, or audition, to participate in a musical. Those best suited for each role will be cast, and those who would not fit well are not given a part. While this may sound similar to trying out for say, basketball, it is an apples to oranges comparison.

At a basketball try-out, those who have the most experience doing a lay-up or shooting a foul shot will be more likely to succeed, no questions asked. However, for an audition, it is common to have to learn a piece of choreography upon walking in, and a potential cast member will be required to sing a selected piece with only a few days of preparation.

There are many more variables involved with an audition that makes it that much more nerve-racking.

The cast of a school musical will often rehearse for several months to perfect their roles, with only several nights of performance at the end. Many sports practice for three or four days between each of their respective competitions. While this may seem to make sports more grueling, this is not always the case.

Musicals have very little pay-off for a large amount of effort, while athletic activities have more frequent displays of their efforts.

Athletes are not encouraged to but are allowed to make mistakes. This is simply not allowed for someone in a musical, because certain lines or entrances may be integral to the plot.

Sometimes, because of all the quick changes and the sweat from big dance numbers, the stage makeup just starts to smear. Despite this, an actor must smile through it all. This is the part of musicals that no sport has: introspection.

An actor must think about how he or she would respond in a given situation, be it saddening, maddening, frightening, or delightful. There is no sport that requires the knowledge of human emotion, and there is especially no sport that requires an athlete to mimic such emotion. This type of emotional exercise helps with communications and relationships.

Sports are great, don't get me wrong. I loved playing volleyball, basketball, track, and swimming, but there were no experiences quite like those from a musical. Sports challenge the body with slight amounts of tactic, while musicals require much physical and mental endurance.

The next time you hear someone say that it's “just a musical," just remember that musicals deserve as much respect as sports, since they are just as, if not more demanding.

Cover Image Credit: Cincinnati Arts

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10 Shows To Watch If You're Sick Of 'The Office'

You can only watch it so many times...


"The Office" is a great show, and is super easy to binge watch over and over again! But if you're like me and you're looking for something new to binge, why not give some of these a try? These comedies (or unintentional comedies) are a great way to branch out and watch something new.

1. "New Girl"

A show about a group of friends living in an apartment in a big city? Sound familiar? But seriously, this show is original and fresh, and Nick Miller is an icon.

2. "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend"

Ya'll have been sleeping on this show. It's a musical comedy about a girl that follows her ex boyfriend across the country. I thought it sounded horrible so I put it off for WAY too long, but then I realized how incredible the cast, music, writing, and just EVERYTHING. It really brings important issues to light, and I can't say too much without spoiling it. Rachel Bloom (the creator of the show) is a woman ahead of her time.

3. "Jane the Virgin"

I know... another CW show. But both are so incredible! Jane The Virgin is a tongue-in-cheek comedy and parody of telenovelas. It has so many twists and turns, but somehow you find yourself laughing with the family.

4. "Brooklyn Nine-Nine"


Brooklyn Nine-Nine has been in popular news lately since its cancellation by Fox and sequential pickup by NBC. It's an amazing show about cops in, you guessed it, Brooklyn. Created by the amazing Michael Schur, it's a safe bet that if you loved "The Office" you'll also love his series "Brooklyn Nine-Nine".

5. "The Good Place"

Another series created by the talented Micael Schur, it's safe to say you've probably already heard about this fantasy-comedy series. With a wonderful cast and writing that will keep you on your toes, the show is another safe bet.

6. "Fresh Off The Boat"

Seriously, I don't know why more people don't watch this show. "Fresh Off The Boat" focuses on an Asian family living in Orlando in the mid 90s. Randall Parks plays a character who is the polar opposite of his character in "The Interview" (Yeah, remember that horrifying movie?) and Constance Wu is wonderful as always.

7. "Full House"

Why not go back to the basics? If you're looking for a nostalgic comedy, go back all the way to the early days of Full House. If you're a '98-'00 baby like me, you probably grew up watching the Tanner family on Nick at Night. The entire series is available on Hulu, so if all else fails just watch Uncle Jesse and Rebecca fall in love again or Michelle fall off a horse and somehow lose her memory.

8. "Secret Life of the American Teenager"

Okay, this show is not a comedy, but I have never laughed so hard in my life. It's off Netflix but it's still on Hulu, so you can watch this masterpiece there. Watch the terrible acting and nonsense plot twists drive this show into the ground. Somehow everyone in this school dates each other? And also has a baby? You just have to watch. It might be my favorite show of all time.

9. "Scrubs"

Another old show that is worth watching. If you ignore the last season, Scrubs is a worthwhile medical comedy about doctors in both their personal and medical life. JD and Turk's relationship is one to be jealous of, and one hilarious to watch. Emotional at times, this medical drama is superior to any medical drama that's out now.

10. "Superstore"

I was resistant to watch this one at first, because it looked cheesy. But once I started watching I loved it! The show is a workplace comedy, one you're sure to love if you can relate to working in retail. If you liked the Office, you'll like Superstore!

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