7/6c on Sunday, January 31st, FOX is debuted a live performance of the original high school musical: "Grease." The 50's classic (that actually came out in the 70's) will be recreated with some millennial familiar faces, like KeKe Palmer, Carly Rae Jepsen, Aaron Tveit, and teen musical veteran, Vanessa Hudgens. As someone who has seen "Grease" at least a few times a year for almost a decade, I'm unashamedly excited. I am also sort of hoping that something goes very wrong, because hey, what else is the point of live television? Watching "Grease" as a 9 year old is a very different experience than watching as a 19 year old. Rizzo confiding to Marty that she feels "like a defective typewriter" and Danny calling his car a "pussy wagon" made a lot more sense on the tenth viewing than the first. I also grew considerably less enchanted with the attitude and overall aesthetic of the T-Birds. In honor of FOX's new rendition, I have made a comprehensive pros and cons list of the central male characters, and have placed them in order of best to worst. As a disclaimer, "best" isn't saying much.

Eugene

Pros: Presumably smart (he wears glasses), good throwing arm.

Cons: Astigmatism.

Tom

Pros: Athletically blessed; gives Sandy his letterman jacket and jukebox money.

Cons: So. Boring.

Doody

Pros: Out of all the T-birds, he treats his steady, Frenchie, the best by far.

Cons: Not a great dancer, which is not alright at Rydell High.

"Crater Face"

Pros: He seems to genuinely care for Cha-Cha.

Cons: He races dirty, generally distasteful.

Kenickie

Pros: Genuinely cares for his best friend Danny, willing to take responsibility for Rizzo's baby.

Cons: Encourages Danny to denounce Sandy, bullies the underling T-Birds, and worst of all; only possesses a single, expired condom.

Sonny

Pros: Naively asks the other guys if Marty was safe when she ditched him for Vince Fontaine

Cons: Shames Kenickie for wanting to be with Rizzo, constantly hits on the unenthusiastic and non reciprocating Marty

Putzie

Pros: Easily the most innocent of the T-Birds.

Cons: Bleacher voyeur, considers himself a hero for liking Jan despite her "huge" size 4 body.

Danny Zuko

Pros: Excellent singer/dancer,

Cons: He spends most of the movie embarrassed to be seen with freaking Olivia Newton John. What?

Vince Fontaine

Pros: Well dressed, successful career,

Cons: He literally tried to seduce/drug a 17 year old girl.