In the throws of agonizing finals preparation I decided to write a scene-by-scene review of a completely random movie I've never seen because we all do strange things to avoid our important priorities. So I perused the holiday section of Netflix until I stumbled upon an image of a horned creature that could only be the result of a cantankerous though effective love session between Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and a smurf-colored minotaur. I played the film without reading the description so what was to come would be a complete surprise that I could then review with impartial precision. Ladies and Gentleman, "A Christmas Horror Story":
9:12 p.m. *All lights are off in the cozy upper floor of a Wisconsin duplex except for the kitchen light my roommate uses to wash the dishes after he prepares me a cheesy pasta dinner. I lean forward in my recliner and tell him to hurry up because I'm working. I rewind the intro that I missed because of all the dishes clanking together and settle in a little annoyed.
Reeling from the shock of the movie starting with a Christmas song, I turn my focus to the dazzling display of ornaments spinning through the snowy backdrop. The subtitles say that the music intensifies and I hear it too. The screen fades to black then returns to center on a great castle (presumably Santa's) during Christmas Eve.
After a quick introduction of a bloody hobbling Santa hanging out in the reindeer stables, the doors are forced open, Santa is blinded by a bright light and we are brought back 12 hours in the past. The next 12 hours put me in a tizzy.
William Shatner plays this radio guy who acts as part drunk DJ part indirect narrator. Norman, his radio guest holds up a sign to Shatner that says "Fuck Christmas" and William is clearly thrown off. He professionally pulls it together and retrieves a bottle of liquor then drops the needle on a record (it's more Christmas music).
We are then introduced to the stereotypical group of teenagers who huddle around an iPad watching a video they somehow got out of police evidence of some cultist murder of a local student. There's a cop named Scott in the video and he starts reciting strange bible verses, we'll be seeing more of him later. After the video one of the couples begins making out and touching butts because hormones are insane on Christmas Eve.
The next group of characters feature the world's most depressing family on their way to see their crazy Aunt Etta who none of them like and OH WAIT HOLD ON another batch of characters are introduced. It's Scott the cop from the video hopping a fence that says no trespassing with his wife and son as they go to illegally cut down a pine tree to later decorate in their home.
Back to the teens reporting on the sadistic murder for a school project? Whatever happened to baking soda and vinegar volcanoes? They run away and hide from the approaching principal in a door labeled "restricted area". It's completely dark but Becky (don't know her name yet) pulls out her iPhone and saves the day with her flashlight app. We'll come back to them later.
Back to the sad family now sitting in a creepy mansion owned by the creepy Aunt Etta that yells and leaves the room because she's about to have a "spell". The daughter Caprice steals a lighter from Aunt Etta for a completely unknown reason. The vampiric Uncle tells the children the story of Krampus where the demon kills little children who touch stuff they're not supposed to. Upon hearing this tale, Duncan the son picks up a Krampus figurine and throws it on the floor. This is a good idea because in a horror movie where the villain is a demon who eats children, you should immediately shatter a toy replica of that exact demon. The uncle is dismayed but mom interrupts and covers for the little boy's irresponsible and confusing behavior. Aunt Etta sends them away.
Forgetting this was a Christmas movie we return to Santa whose with his elves preparing for Christmas. Mrs. Klaus brings in cookies for the elves that I assume have some magic ingredient that forces these little creatures to remain year-round slaves. One elf doesn't want a "god damn" cookie because he knows something is fishy. Then without warning he drives an axe into his hand and sprays the blood all over the other elves... and dies from it? Oh and apparently elves can't die, which Santa has been lying about to the elves till now.
Scott the cop and his wife drag the stolen tree through the woods and immediately lose their son Will who is following the gurgling whispers of something that is probably leading him somewhere less safe than with his mother and father. After 3 minutes of shouting his name, Will's parents start to freak out until Scott the cop looks into a hollow tree and finds Will hanging out in there. Scott the cop says its Will's fault and his wife says its Scott the cop's fault while a hillbilly on a snowmobile glares at them from beyond.
Back in the restricted section somebody makes a virgin joke towards the only girl in the group. She effortlessly shakes it off and doesn't let it effect her surveying of the area with her iPhone light. They stumble upon a bloody room where they realize the murder took place.. Why is this in the basement of their school? Oh and Becky gets back at one of the guys by telling him that he doesn't know how to read which was a great burn. The other guy strays away from the group because it's a really great idea to walk away from your friends in a school basement where kids get their heads caved in apparently.
The boring dad is pissed at his boring family for not being a normal family and getting kicked out of the aunt's house. He brags about being an adult with a job and OH MY GOD THEY ALMOST HIT A YETI IN THE ROAD AND NOW THEY'RE STUCK IN THE SNOW. I now realize what I thought was a yeti was actually Krampus.
The teens are still going above and beyond for their media productions class and start filming and reporting at the murder scene. Once they try to leave the hellish basement they are (of course) locked in. Becky with the iPhone proves useless as she tries to make a call and has no service.
The stolen tree looks amazing in Scott the cop's house but Will (clearly possessed) won't speak and won't stop eating spaghetti. He's making an awful mess. Both his mom and I agree he's eating too fast and is going to get a tummy ache. Scott the cop reaches for him and will stabs him with a fork. Mom sends him to his room, he looks at the spaghetti like he wants to bring it with him but decides it's probably not a good idea.
Back to Shatner who is getting wasted and vaguely hinting at a plot we don't understand at all because there are four sets of characters each less interesting than the last.
Back to the north pole and apparently Mrs. Klaus' name is Martha? Anyways, all of the elves are dying and turning into zombies which Santa is not thrilled about because Jingles attacks him and he has to cut the top part of Jingles' head off with his staff while throwing some unnamed elf out the window.
Becky says "There's gotta be another way out of here" and no one is really convinced because that's just what Becky would say. Then they stumble upon a nativity scene and Becky lights a bunch of candles because it's getting cold and she's like "Someones bound to come looking for us because its Christmas Eve" but no one is convinced by that statement either. Good guy Dylan gives the other dude a candy cane and you can tell Becky wants it because she suddenly "just remembers" how hungry she is. Dylan leaves the situation to use the restroom making him literally the most vulnerable a person can be in a dark, bloody basement where a student was recently just murdered but its okay because he brought a led pipe with him. The other two scream because they saw something BECKY STARTS HAVING A SEIZURE.
The boring family leaves their car and wanders the woods on foot. Dad, still on his high horse leads the pack until he hits a booby trap and gets his stomach cut open. His son is next and is pulled away from the family to an unknown location, probably hell though. Mother and daughter reach for their phone but no one has phone service obviously because Krampus interrupts Verizon's coverage.
Check back in with Santa who is still just running around the north pole killing more zombie elves.
Will opened up all of his presents and his dad goes to confront him, still on his silent streak Will says nothing but his dad goes nuts and starts beating him with his belt. Mom is pissed and says he needs to see a doctor but instead he goes to the other room and starts getting wasted. The phone rings. Its the hillbilly whose land they stole the tree from and he knows their kid is acting goofy. He's trying to help them and says they need to return to the forest because its not actually Will, its a changeling--mom calls bullshit and hangs up.
Good guy Dylan wakes up and sees the other dude's girlfriend who was never with them to begin and leads Dylan to the murder room where she tries to seduce him but he denies her so she kills him.
Scott the cop is researching old newspaper clippings he has for some reason that relate directly to his situation. Mom googles "changeling". Will is sneaking around the house and disappearing every time someone turns around. Scott the cop patiently calls out Will's name like he didn't just beat the shit out of him with a belt and says he was just "a little stressed". He can't find Will so he drinks more OH MY GOD WILL IS CRAWLING ON THE CEILING. The subtitles say the music intensifies and it sounds like it too. Mom looks for Scott the cop and grabs a steel bat when she sees blood WILL CHOKED SCOTT THE COP TO DEATH WITH THE SAME BELT HE WAS BEATEN WITH AND CUTS OFF HIS HAND HE'S GOING FOR MOM NEXT.
Now the boring family takes refuge inside a church but they still don't know where Duncan is. The daughter suggests Krampus is to blame, mom says that is insane! Dad says let's confess our sins, mom says that is ridiculous! The daughter starts confessing immediately and says she doesn't have sex or do drugs like the other kids BUT she's a raging kleptomaniac. Dad starts confessing and says he's actually poor HE GETS PULLED OUT THE CHURCH WINDOW. Krampus enters the church but mom stands up to him and tells her daughter to save herself.
Creepy possessed gf finds the other guy and seduces him too, this time its working because they start breathing heavy. Full on intercourse takes place and I wonder if he is thinking maybe this isn't the best time to make love with the entire nativity scene watching?? It's over in seconds and he's confused about what just happened as most are the first time.
Scott the cop's wife calls the hillbilly back and she's like "Hey I believe you now, my son killed my husband, what do I do! And he's like "That's not your son, its a changeling remember? Do what I told you to do before when you rudely hung up on me". So there Will is playing with Scott the cop's severed hand and the wife nails Will in the head with a bat.
Meanwhile in the north pole Santa is still dismembering his elves, they almost overwhelm him but the magic of Christmas is way too strong. It's pretty much like that scene in "The Matrix" where Neo pulls that street pole out of the ground and fights thousands of enemies.
Scott the cop's wife drags Will's changeling body to the woods in a duffel bag to the hillbilly in the woods. He's like "I don't know where your son is" and starts babbling about trolls. She shoots the hillbilly with her husbands gun but the hillbilly was the only reason she was safe in the woods.. But the trolls reward her! Shes back at the tree where she finds Will safe and sound!!
THE GIRLFRIEND IS GIVING BIRTH IN THE BATHROOM AND ZOMBIE NUNS ARE HELPING DELIVER IT. GF is holding her newborn and snaps that one dude's neck with telekinesis.
The boring daughter escapes and runs to her aunt's house but aunt Etta is not answering because I'm pretty sure she knew this was going to happen all along. The beast charges at the daughter--she impales him in the throat with a nearby tree branch. Oh and look, there's a tank of gas too! She doses him, lights him on fire WITH THE LIGHTER SHE STOLE AT THE BEGINNING and on cue says "Merry Christmas Mother Fucker". Aunt Etta makes tea for caprice and they seem relatively relaxed even though their entire boring family was just murdered by Krampus. Caprice throws accusations at Aunt Etta and OH MY GOD CAPRICE IS KRAMPUS BECAUSE WHEN YOU KILL KRAMPUS YOU BECOME KRAMPUS.
Poor Martha is a zombie now and Santa breaks down in tears just long enough for her to attack him.. he snaps her neck in one swift motion. Now we are back to the part in the stables where the movie started, its the final showdown between Santa and Krampus. The fight ensues and Santa is about to finish Krampus off until...
HERE'S THE TWIST
So. It's not really Santa, its Norman, the man at the beginning who said "FUCK CHRISTMAS". he dressed up like a mall Santa and imagined the whole thing while he slaughtered everyone. The cops shoot him like 6 times and the subtitles say soft choir music is playing and it sounds like it too.
So, Shatner was talking about that gruesome killing spree the entire time because the boring family was his family! He tells us all to hug our loved ones and the movie ends.
Ummm. So yeah. All in all I enjoyed writing about it more than watching it.
