It's strange to me that this writing has been on my mind for so long, and yet I don't know what I actually want to write about.
I have been feeling all sorts of emotions lately. I don't have the skill to put into words everything I feel. However, the only word that comes close is empty. I feel empty.
It's unusual for me to feel upset this time of the year. While some are feeling the effects of Seasonal Affective Disorder, I'm just keeping busy with the extra demands I put on myself and making plans for my birthday.
This year though, I don't know what I feel. This isn't even a milestone birthday coming up, I'm just turning 38, so I don't think my birthday is what is bothering me.
As I age though, sayings and encouragements that may once have helped me through something don't help anymore. "You're valid even if you're XYZ," " You matter," "It gets better," and "It's never too late." The thing is, I don't feel valid. I never have felt valid. I don't matter. It really DOESN'T get better. And there IS such thing as too late for things.
I get so tired of only being able to show one part of myself everywhere I go. I feel trapped in my own life instead of free to live it. I know why some things hold me back, but people trample those things instead of helping me find ways to still live my life even with my self imposed limitations.
Perfect example, my spirituality. Oh, the arguments against ANY kind of spiritual thought are overrun in this society. "I don't believe in an invisible man in the sky," or "I don't base my life off of something that doesn't exist," or "I don't let religion run my life," and so on. I will never understand the casual acceptance of bashing a core part of others' upbringing, but I digress. I can put my demisexuality or my leanings towards monogamy or my leanings towards polyfidelity in place of my spirituality and those society built roadblocks won't change.
The first thing said to this is, "Don't listen to them. Follow the path that feels right to you." This is another thing that could've helped once upon a time. It doesn't work for me anymore. I can't just NOT listen to other people. The world doesn't revolve around me. Its all frustratingly empty words against walking in the world and experiencing these feelings first hand.
I swear one day I'll be old and gray and wondering how life passed me by so fast. I feel so selfish. Every day, those around me are gifted incredible opportunities and fortunes. The bits of contentment I've been hoping for and working towards my whole life CONSTANTLY evade me. When will it finally be my turn? And will it never be my turn because I'm chasing what isn't really meant for me?
Those I remember just being born are now grown and on paths I never dreamed for myself, but yet it just falls in their laps. Everything I use to love and remember is gone. Being torn down, then rebooted into a horrible version of itself disguised as reboots. I feel like a mime in one of those invisible boxes they pantomime themselves in during one of their acts. Watching the world but held back by some invisible access barrier that I can't find the knob to.
I wish I knew where I was going with this piece. I wish I could figure out exactly what I'm going through. I wish I could stop going through it. In understanding my limitations, perhaps I could finally be able to move forward.