When I transferred to my current school during my junior year of college, I was really nervous about making friends and very nervous about who I was going to hang out with outside of classes. I thought about joining a club but wasn't super positive about which club to join. I wasn't really into a lot of clubs at my old college because of the heavy significance of religion that was also placed into each of these clubs, and also my significant lack of being a Christian.
I found a club that I really liked up here that I never had the chance to do at my old school. It was something that I was really passionate about, and I slowly became really integrated and invested in the people and the time that I spent there. I was very happy for a while.
After the new year, things really changed for me.
Friendships changed, feelings shifted, and it felt as though the tone of the club had soured for me.
I had been thinking around Christmas time that this would for sure be my last year in this club and that I would have more than enough time to solidify friendships and to really feel secure and at peace with leaving. After reuniting post-winter break, I decided that this wasn't going to work. I was scared. I was nervous. I had only been with these people for a short while and I was scared that I would walk away friendless from this group, embarrassed to have quit something that I had worked hard for and for something that I had felt a large sense of pride in leading. It didn't take long for me to list the reasons in my head and to know why I was doing this.
I was suffering mentally, the group having taken a toll on me and my self-worth.
I was suffering academically.
I was suffering feeling connected to those that I was once connected to.
I knew what I was doing was right but I was scared of upsetting the group, or just finding that I was alone in this group of people to begin with.
After I finally told the group I was leaving, I felt this weight lift off my shoulders. The negativity and the pressure were no longer there and I feel like I could really focus on myself more and focus on being happy and genuine to myself.
Sure, I had lost some friends, and some people from the group haven't talked to me since, but to me, it doesn't matter. In reality, a college club will have good memories, but 10 years from now it won't mean anything or have any real significance in my life. It will be just one of those things that I did during my college years.
Overall, I took care of my mental health and took care of what I needed to be done. It doesn't make me a bad person for it. I have gotten to really enjoy taking time for self-care and taking time for work and getting back into the groove of taking time for me.
Quitting my college club is not the end of my social life, it is the beginning of my journey and loving and taking care of myself more.