Up until recently, I wanted to be surrounded by a lot of people. I wanted a lot of friends, and I thought surely that by having a large number of friends, I would be happy. Sure, having a lot of friends in your life is ideal, but a lot of the time, when we have such a large group around us, we are not actually happier. In my two years of college, I was convinced that constantly being around people would ward off any loneliness or homesickness, but the kind of friends I accumulated actually ended up making me more homesick than ever for my few best friends at home. Thankfully, after going through a hellish social experience this far in college and having to learn who my real friends are, I've become close with a nice, small group of about six people. One big thing I've learned in college is that friendship should value quality over quantity.
It's hard to tell sometimes who these quality people are. I was enchanted by certain people at certain points at school; they seemed to be exactly what I wanted in a friend. I thought that I needed them. But I should have realized that there were red flags. These people weren't the type to be happy for my successes, and made fun of my insecurities. I let it happen, and that made me just as guilty. By being a bystander, and by not telling these people that I didn't like the way I was being treated -- or that I didn't like the way they treated other people, for that matter -- I wasn't being a good friend. I said and did things that I wasn't proud of in order to make these people happy. My grandmother once told me that in order to maintain a relationship, don't try to make sure it's 50/50 effort, but always try to put in 60 percent, because no relationship will ever be equal. But it felt like I was putting in so much effort to please people and being made to feel guilty and having small favors held over my head. In certain situations, when I needed a friend to listen to my problems, I was shot down or treated like a bother. These friendships were competitive, a game of who could be the most self-righteous, who's had it better or worse, or whom they were going to choose as the target of their gossip or downright meanness. These "friendships" were exhausting, and frankly, they were toxic.
Fortunately, I wasn't of much use to these friends. At first, it felt badly to be cast out, but now it feels good. They didn't like my healthy and happy relationship, and the decisions that I've made this past year, but I can honestly say that after my sophomore year of college, I'm more proud of myself than ever for the changes I've made, and the friends and relationships that I have kept and maintained. I have a select group of friends who cheer me on and listen to me. We can be honest with one another and our friendships are based on doing fun things together, studying together, and just being there for one another. These are also healthier relationships where honesty is valued. We can tell each other when one person or the other does something someone doesn't like, or if we think that we are speaking too negatively about other people, or even talking down about ourselves.
It's OK to be selfish. It's OK to expect your friendships and relationships to benefit you and your mental and emotional well-being. You should hold the people that you surround yourself with to a high standard, because in turn, you will hold yourself to a high moral standard. If you have friends who don't know how to be happy for you, or are too bothered to help you or to listen to you when you need support, then you do not need them. I am a firm believer in kicking people to the curb and waving goodbye. Life is too short to waste your time as a slave to toxic relationships. Focus on the quality of the people you hang with, not the quantity.
