For the last six months, I have been going through the most difficult time of my life thus far. Nothing drastically awful or traumatizing happened. There was no external cause. What was happening to me was a period of complete self-hatred and anxiety. Nothing caused it, it simply happened.
As the months passed by, the days were the same. Usually I would wake up with my heart beating out of my chest and my mind panicked. The feeling never really went away. Panic attacks became a daily thing, and I became so depressed from not understanding what was happening to me that there were days were I would lay in bed until three in the afternoon, trying to figure out what was wrong with me.
Eventually, I realized that I needed to get out of this. It has not been easy, but through positive thinking strategies, anxiety coping skills, meditation, healthier eating, and developing a routine for my days, I am improving daily.
Over the past weeks of this self-recovery, I decided to start making a list of things I want to do in my life. What better way to go from not wanting to get out of bed for days, to wanting to live your life fully and be healthy again, than visually see all that you want to accomplish in life?
So, here is my finished list. I hope you enjoy reading a bucket list from a girl who decided that anxiety and depression were not her future. My wish is that reading this from a girl who used to be broken inside for a while can inspire you to want to take back your life and start living it.
Well...Here it is.
1. Go to a rave (even though I hate crowds).
2. Graduate college with good marks.
3. Take a spontaneous trip.
4. Start a Youtube channel (even though this is super corny and I have no idea what it would even be about).
5. Embarrass myself in front of a crowd in order to learn to laugh at myself.
6. Visit the Grand Canyon.
7. Face my fear of heights.
8. Do a food challenge, like one of those where you have to eat a 2-pound hamburger or something.
9. Picnic in the park.
10. Workout for 30 days without slacking or missing a day.
11. Do a completely selfless act (even though, according to "Friends" and Phoebe Buffay, this is not possible).
12. Become more involved in church or a religious group.
13. Take a trip by myself.
14. Donate my hair (even though I hate it short).
15. Have my own place.
16. Get married.
17. Build a career for myself.
18. Ride on a train.
19. Go to Italy.
20. Discuss civilly face-to-face with someone with very different viewpoints.
21. Get an internship or job in New York City.
22. Ride a horse.
23. Have kids.
24. Pick apples at an apple orchard.
25. Become really good at meditation.
26. Make my partner breakfast in bed (and vice-versa).
27. Learn to play guitar.
28. Go biking.
29. Buy my own car.
30. Make the elderly at a nursing home smile.
31. Meet the President of the United States.
32. Go to London.
33. Adopt a pet on my own.
34. See a movie by myself.
35. Laugh until I cry at least once a day.
36. See a fashion show live.
37. Be more spontaneous.
38. Dance in the rain.
39. Stargaze in the country.
40. Visit NASA.
41. Watch the sun rise.
42. Go vegetarian/vegan for at least one month. Just to try it out.
43. Say "I Love You" every day.
44. Buy a really expensive purse/clothing item for no reason.
45. Be the coolest aunt ever to my niece.
46. Spend a whole day in bed watching childhood movies.
47. Dance with my grandpa at my wedding.
48. Hold a turantula to get over my fear of spiders.
49. Make a meal completely from scratch.
50. Climb to the top of a roof and stargaze with the man I love.
51. Be able to do a split again.
52. Take my kids to Disney World.
52. Meet Johnny Depp.
53. Be an extra in a movie.
54. Visit a movie set.
55. Host an exchange student.
56. Take an adult dance class.
57. Do something really cheesy for my partner.
58. Go on a mom-daughter trip.
59. Learn how to cook/bake.
60. Take a painting class.
61. Learn how to do taxes.
62. Read all of Edgar Allen Poe's works.
63. Read "Gone with the Wind."
64. Understand the stock market.
65. Get proposed to in a nice way.
66. Start a garden by myself.
67. Walk down the aisle next to my dad at my wedding.
68. Spend a whole entire day out in nature.
69. Host a movie marathon.
70. Eat dinner at the table with my husband and kids regularly. I didnt get to do this often as a kid.
71. Help my kids with their homework.
72. Speak in public.
73. Go canoeing/kayaking.
74. See Mount Everest...but probably not climb it.
75. Catch a ball at a baseball game.
76. Sit in silence for a long period of time, just breathing and counting my blessings.
77. Not use technology for one day.
78. Skydive (maybe do this to get over my fear of heights).
79. Get a cross tattoo.
80. Turn my phone off for a whole day.
81. Run a half marathon.
82. Go to the LA Walk of Fame.
83. Complete an entire adult coloring book.
84. Watch my children get married and have happy lives.
85. Have grandkids.
86. Have a day to just eat ice cream and cry, even if I'm not sad or anything. Just to get stress out and eat a bunch of yummy ice cream.
87. Go zip lining.
88. Go on a ghost hunt.
89. Try surfing (to get over my fear of the ocean).
90. Crochet an entire blanket.
91. Study abroad in college.
92. See the Pacific Ocean.
93. See the desert (and collect sand/dust from it and keep it in a jar to remember it).
94. Go on a true camping trip. Fire. Tent. No showering. The whole deal.
95. Have a day to just spend with my dad.
96. Learn how to play poker. My dad is really good and I want to learn it someday.
97. Forgive everyone who has wronged me. Find peace.
98. Completely secure my faith.
99. Love unconditionally.
100. Live the best damn life I can possibly live.
There comes a time in everyone's life where you break out of what is holding you back, and you completely embrace life. I hope this published bucket list inspires you to live your life fully. Even in the darkest of times, life is truly beautiful.