Public Service Announcement:
The amount of ignorance surrounding adoption is consequential to the lack of education among those who are unfamiliar with the subject.
Being adopted, I am frequently asked questions about my adoption; which I am happy to answer. But, some questions could be considered offensive. Many times, the asker of such questions has solely pure intentions, but they can still be hurtful, which is why I have compiled a list of things to not say to an adoptee.
1. “Do you want to find your real mom?”
This is the equivalent of asking a person who has been remarried who their “real” spouse is. Honestly, if someone ever asked me this question, they would get punched in the face. For some reason, it is okay to ask an adoptee about their “real” family. An alternative to use would be “birth mom” or “biological family”.
2. “If you and your brother were not adopted as siblings, could you date or get married?”
First of all, why would this ever be a question? Ever. Just because people are not genetically related does not mean they are not family. And to answer this question, no, my brother and I will not be getting married. (Yes, we have been asked this question, frequently.)
3. “What was it like in the orphanage?”
Thank you for bringing up the painful experience which was the first year of my life. I am more than happy to talk about this, but many adoptees are not OK with answering this question. If you do ask an adoptee who is willing to answer this question, you need to be prepared for the painful truth which lies within the orphanage and realities of adoption.
4. “Do your adoptive parents love their real child more than you?”
In other words, are you Cinderella? Do your adoptive parents make you slave away at their beckon call while their biological child is sitting on a throne eating Bon-Bons? I do not know why it is so difficult for people to comprehend the concept of love and that you can love more than one person, and love them just as much as you love your own flesh and blood.
5. Lastly, my personal favorite, “You were so lucky to have been adopted!”
Yes! It is amazing that I was adopted and I am very blessed because of it; but, think about what was just said. You were so lucky to have been abandoned by your mother in Siberia, put in an orphanage filled with neglect and undernourishment only to be displaced again with complete strangers and grow up dealing with the struggles of adoption. Wow, I was really "lucky"!
I have been immensely blessed with an amazing family; a mother who bore me from her heart instead of her womb, siblings whom I love and a father who is amazing. But, adoption is a huge part of my story- it is for every adoptee. Adoptees are usually more than happy to answer any questions, but please think before speaking in this instance. Would you like it if someone called your family “fake”? No? Well neither do we. So please use your brain and your words appropriately.
Thank you for taking the time to read this public service announcement.
