Content Warning: Mentions of suicidal thoughts and self-harm.

My depression is not a result of me thinking life is unfair. I don't believe the world owes me anything.

I'm comfortable with my pain in the sense that at times I feel that I deserve it. Other times I don't feel much at all; I can go through parties and family gatherings and study sessions with friends feeling completely numb.

That can last for a few hours at a time or a few weeks. When I "feel down," it's not just one day every now and then. It's every day, constantly there. Some days I can handle it, others I cannot.

My depression isn't a switch I can turn on and off through a little hard work, socialization, and a balanced diet with plenty of leafy greens and healthy proteins, but man it'd be great if it was that easy for me.

Do I feel worse when I neglect to care for myself properly? Oh, most definitely. However, as my mental illness tends to negate any motivation to do these tasks, or even care about them, it can be hard. I wish it wasn't, but it is.

I don't want to wake up in the morning wishing I was still asleep for a few more days or that I never woke up at all.

I don't want to have to bail on my friends when our schedules line up for once because I can't "get myself together."

I don't want to feel what seems to be numbness and cold aching throughout my entire body, despite being in a good place where I'm around the people who are good and warm and safe. I just can't always control that.

I didn't make myself depressed, that's not how it works. I didn't "will" it upon myself or anything like that. I seriously doubt that anyone does or even can do that.

Some people go through terrible traumatic experiences, and depression can arise from that. Other people may have a history of depression in their family. Maybe others, like me, just wake up one day and just become aware of this numbness and lack of caring.

You are told to get over it. That it's just you "being lazy" or not eating the right foods or getting enough sun. Then you get told that you have nothing to be depressed about. Just put yourself out there. You have a nice family, supportive friends, and a good life. Why would you be sad? Don't you know that other people have it worse than you, so why are you sad? Have you tried not being depressed?

You do try oh so freaking hard to make yourself believe that. That there's nothing wrong with you. So you try, but there's also these horrible thoughts that crop up constantly whenever you do, battling against the rational part of your brain:

Try to start exercising more, maybe do yoga or go running (No you're ugly, just hide away, no one wants to see that).

Make plans with your friends every weekend, (But they're not really friends with you, they don't like you, they hate you. Why? They just do).

Start posting positive sticky notes with encouraging quotes and smiley faces on the mirror. (Lame. You're worthless, stop trying, just stop stopstopstop).

Try to meditate and pray and pray and pray and pray because that's what God is for right? (Why would God want to waste time on you? Someone else needs prayers more than you, stop being selfish).

You try and try to do everything right and pretend to be fine. It doesn't work. Not really.

You get worse.
(Ignore everyone else, they don't even care about you remember? You suck)

And worse.
(If you hurt yourself, you can control the pain. Why? Doesn't matter, just do it: words, a sharp edge, anything, it doesn't matter what)

And worse.
(...just kill yourself, f**king end it already...)

(and it doesn't matter because you don't matter, you really don't, and no one loves you, and no one will ever love you, or has ever loved you, because how could another person love you if you don't love yourself, isn't that right?)

All this starts coming and going, again and again.

You eventually hit that point, though, when you have to admit to yourself (please, please just say it): You're not okay.

The one thing that I would say to anyone that feels like this or is going through something similar to this: It's okay if you're not okay. You're not being selfish. You're not lazy. You're not crazy.

You're hurting in a way that people can't always see, and it's going to be tough to deal with that. That's okay. What you're feeling or not feeling is valid, and no one should ever tell you otherwise.

Sure, there are days when you really are just being lazy and need some extra motivation to get you jump-started, but there is a difference between that and just lacking anything inside yourself to do anything. Stopping your favorite activities, not putting yourself out there, eating wrong: those aren't causes of depression, those are symptoms.

Maybe you do need to go outside in the sun and take vitamins, but that is likely a result of seasonal depression and that's not always the case for everyone. Sometimes that gets tacked onto the rest of the depression you have that is still present when the seasons aren't changing, and it can make it so much worse.

Depression and other mental illnesses are real and valid, but there is a mass of negative stigma surrounding them where the person affected is somehow found to be lacking and gets blamed, which is the last thing that should be done. Whether it be genetics or your environment, people are affected in different ways by depression and handle it differently.

So yeah, surround yourself with positive people, but make sure that they're people who will support you and try to understand that you'll feel what you feel. If they "shut you down" because you can't control the mess in your head, forget them.

Please do try to enjoy being alive because life sucks, but it can also be okay. Never, ever, let anyone tell you that you're making excuses for your actions or lack of actions that result from mental illness because that's nonsense.

End of discussion.