A Procrastinator's Guide to Paper Writing

Writing essays. No matter what your college major, the task is unavoidable. But really, who wants to waste so much time writing a paper? Why should you sacrifice hanging out with your friends, going to social events, or pause your current Netflix binge?

Never fear! With this easy to follow, step-by-step guide, you will not only be able to craft a well-developed, thoughtful essay but also have time to enjoy a full social life. Here is the Procrastinator's Guide to Paper Writing:

Step 1: Receive the assignment, and promptly forget about it.

The paper isn't due for another two weeks? You've got plenty of time. Shove the assignment sheet on your desk, and allow it to be covered with all of the other, more important, things you have to do.

Step 2: Panic mildly.

Those thirteen days sure flew by fast, and now it's the day before the paper is due. Allow yourself to be consumed with anxiety about the upcoming deadline, but don't work on the paper just yet. Be sure to complain to all your friends about the massive amount of work you have to do. They'll sympathize with you. After all, it's not your fault you waited this long; you had to go to open mic night.

Step 3: Spend an hour creating the perfect work playlist.

You can't be expected to work in total silence, can you? And you certainly can't be expected to produce your best work with

Step 4: Begin writing.

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By now it's likely around 10:00 pm. With your morning class at 8:30, that gives you a solid ten hours until deadline. Plenty of time. Begin writing. Remember, be sure to repeat the same idea as often as possible to meet your page requirement. Don't worry, with your clever diversity of word choice and varied sentence structure, there's no way your professor will realize you're saying the same thing over and over again.

Step 6: Take a well-deserved break.

You've gotten at least two paragraphs done. Whew. You'll need some time to collect your thoughts, and let your creative thoughts rest. Surf all of your social media sites, and watch a few amusing Youtube videos.

Step 7: Panic moderately.

How did so much time slip away from you? Surely, there must be something wrong with your clock. Sit back down and crank out six pages in two hours. Sub-par sources are okay, at this point, because your mastery of words will mask the fact that they're only somewhat relevant to your topic.

Step 8: Crash.

You've got four out of the five pages required, the energy drinks you've consumed no longer affect you, and everything you write sounds like the unintelligible ramblings of a madman. Get some sleep, but set an alarm for an hour before class so you'll have time to finish the rest.

Step 9: Hit snooze a minimum of eight times.

Who needs to proofread, anyway? Surely you don't need a whole hour to finish this paper. You can do it in forty-five minutes. Maybe even a half hour. Anything for a couple more minutes of shut-eye.

Step 10: Panic severely.

How could you have let yourself sleep in this late?! Hunch over your laptop, and start typing. Furiously keep an eye on the clock. You crank out a conclusion faster than humanly possible. It's a good thing showing up to class in pajamas is acceptable in college, because you barely have time to rush to the printer and find a stapler before class begins.

Step 11: Turn it in, victoriously.

You've done it. You've overcome all of the obstacles, that were clearly not of your own making. Arrive to class, looking only a little bit like a zombie, and slap your written masterpiece onto your professor's desk. Spend the next fifty minutes of class time trying, desperately, not to fall asleep.

When you receive your next assignment, promise yourself that you will not procrastinate again. Resolve that this time, you will start the paper at least a day in advance. You will not fudge any sources, and you will not manipulate period size to meet the length requirement. Reward yourself for this change of heart, and allow yourself a few days to relax without worrying about this new, stupid assignment.

Then, repeat steps one through eleven.