Growing up in a suburban area, I never -- and I do mean never -- came in contact with a metro or tube system. The closest I ever got to a system of this magnitude was the city bus system. Sadly, even that could not prepare me for what was to come. Being on this planet for the past nineteen years in no way prepared me for the confusion I would face on the tube in England.
I'm sure you think someone attending a college like our prestigious UW Madison would be able to use common sense and figure it out. I thought so, too. Turns out, I thought wrong. So very, very wrong. Even with the help of my beloved sister (who was now a pro at the train system), I still looked like an idiot over and over again. These were the stages of my first experience on the tube.
Stage 1: You swipe what where?
This is the moment. The moment when you realize how ridiculous the entire experience is going to be. You're at step one and you can't even figure that out. I mean you just swipe and go through, right? Well, then the doors close, then the light turns red when it's suppose to be green, you hold up the entire line, and then ... you realize you can't even figure out the automatic card system god knows what the rest of this trip will bring. You know the s**t show of embarrassment is just beginning so all you really feel the need for is one big drink ... or three to get you through it.
Stage 2: South Bound? North Bound? More like "where the f*ck am I" bound.
Finding the right train with the right stops might be the most confusing part of this entire trip. Even when you think you've finally got it right chances are you are most likely still wrong.
Stage 3: Did I really almost just get caught in those closing doors? Yes.
The doors are merciless. When they're closing, They... Are... Closing... Period. Despite the loud beeping and voice over the intercom that tells you that they are closing, people seem to repeatedly get stuck in them. One of those people was my mom.
Stage 4: Sit your a** down and fast.
Like any public transportation, there is a bit of a jerk at the initial take off. On the tube, if you're walking, sit the hell down because the jerk is more like a shove. If you're like my mom you'll end up sitting on someone. It happens. Shake it off and slide over into the other seat like it never happened.
Stage 5: Not a train — actually the silent section in College Lib.
The tube we were on was silent. I mean no one talked. It was super weird.
Stage 6: Never forget: Right side of the escalator ...
Okay, if you take anything from this article REMEMBER THIS. STAY ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE ESCALATOR. This is such serious business. If you are standing still on the left side of the escalator be prepared to be pushed over, yelled at, or trampled completely. They don't mess around with their escalators in England.
Stage 7: Attention: There is a gap between the train and stable land.
I repeat, there is a gap. When getting on and off the tube remember the train is a step up and there is a gap between the train and stable land. If you forget this, be prepared to fall on your a** hard.
Stage 8: (The worst stage of them all) Some seriously f*ucked up hair
The entire tube is a wind tunnel. So, give up on your super cute updo and no frizz waves. Those aren't a thing when it comes to the tube. One step inside and you'll have some killer bed head to rock for the rest of the day. This adds the finishing touch to the deep-seated feeling of unhappiness you have acquired over your time in the tube.
Stage 9: (The best stage of them all) Men. Well dressed Men. Everywhere.
Ladies listen up. Get on the tube around five when everyone is leaving work and holy men. These men are not only good looking, but dressed to the tee. From the suit to the perfect hair, they've got it all. Forget looking for men in bars, the tube is where it's at. If you're looking for a peek your wish has been granted. There is actually a site for that; it's called TubeCrush.net (you're welcome).
Stage 10: "The Way Out"
Finally, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Literally. You eventually find your way to your stop and you're done. You see the sign light up that says "The Way Out" and you do all you can to not sprint to it. You emerge from the tunnel and relief finds you. You're done. It's over. You have managed the tube somewhat less gracefully than intended, but all ended well. You can now go home and drink the entire bottle of wine you so rightly deserve. Lauren Conrad was right. Sometimes with the tube you just need to forgive then forget. Mostly forget.
While the tube can be a dark and scary place for a tourist like myself, in the end it all worked out well and it was a fantastic way to get around England. There were definitely some up and downs, but the entertainment value was definitely priceless.
