It was July 18th, about 10 o'clock in the morning when I suddenly sensed that something was just not quite right. I was at work, drudging along at the same fast food restaurant that I had been for the past 3 years and the smells had never bothered me before, not like they were that day. That was the first sign, and it didn't help my subconscious to know that my time of the month was 4 days late by then.
My boss and co-workers had always been the type of people that I could tell anything to, the type of people I could always rely on, so I swallowed hard and walked to my bosses office. I gave her a look and said something was wrong. Her face told me everything she wanted to say. Not two minutes later I was on my way to Walmart to buy a pregnancy test and praying that the trip would take me in and out as quick as possible.
I don't know if it was my nerves, or the sudden embarrassment of possibly seeing someone I knew, but I was in and out in less than three minutes. I got back to work, went into the bathroom, and watched the loading bars with anticipation. The entire time I kept thinking to myself that there was just no way. I kept reassuring myself by saying, "I wasted $10 at Walmart," and that "This wasn't happening to me." Then I saw it, PREGNANT. I was immediately overcome with a strong sense of nausea, turned towards the toilet and emptied my stomach.
However, I didn't cry. I pulled myself together, opened the door, and the second my eyes fell upon my boss's face, my composure came crashing down. I never thought my first reaction to being pregnant would have been to try and 'fix' the problem, but it did cross my mind. Though, it is fortunate that I am blessed with a boss that loves me like her own daughter. Through all of my ranting and panic, she was there to offer any help she could. However, after I thought about it, I soon came to the realization that there was no problem to 'fix'. Abortion was not the answer. I knew there was no way the I could look at myself in the mirror knowing that I had taken the life of an innocent child, just for the convenience of not having to care for a baby; for the ability to continue living my life the way I wanted. I'm not sure if you've ever had that homesick feeling, like when that sleepover at a friends house goes on just a little too long, well shortly after I felt it and I immediately knew that there was only one thing that could fix it. I needed my mom.
On top of telling my parents the news I also had to tell my summer fling that I was pregnant with his baby. I didn't want to relay this message through a text message, obviously, that was not the way to tell him he got me pregnant. But he knew something was up and he wouldn't wait for what was bothering me. I cant imagine what his first thoughts were when I told him. The way he reacted towards me was closely related to the way I acted toward myself. I knew he wanted to make it go away just like I did. He assured me that "IF" the baby was indeed his he would be the dad the child needed, but he didn't want to be in a relationship and he didn't want to be with me.
My parents took the news the absolute best way possible. I have a great support system and they will never let me struggle alone. Even knowing I had them behind me in everything that I was about to face, I still felt more alone than I have ever felt in my life. I hadn't been by myself until it was 2 o'clock the next morning. Laying on the floor with my phone in my hand I was sick to my stomach. I have friends that I could have texted and I could have walked down to my parent's room an crawled into bed with my mom but I didn't move. I sat numb and cried till I couldn't see my ceiling fan clearly. When I couldn't find the right person to talk to I began to talk to god.
I was tired of explaining things to my friends who had no idea what I was going through. The only other person that could relate to my feelings at the time didn't want to talk to me so I found refuge in God. God is the one person I could talk to with no fear of judgment. When I felt deserted by everyone else, Gods presence was with me. After asking God all the selfish questions that were running through my mind I thought about who I was when I woke up the morning before, and how I would never allow myself to be that person. I tried to count how many times I requested his counsel. I was embarrassed by my answer. God was testing me but even when he gave me too much to handle he never left my side. God wrecked my plans before they wrecked me, and I've never been closer to him.
