One of the worst feelings in the world is taking my makeup off. Superficial as it may be, seeing myself in the mirror when my makeup is completely removed has taken a toll on me. Which is why I opt out of wearing makeup most of the time. For some, it is a medium of self-expression, which I find wonderful, but to me, it's just another way to look pretty. When I take off my makeup, I'm back to bare; I can see myself better. This relationship I have with makeup is pretty paradoxical... I like how it makes me look, but I don't like how it makes me feel afterwards. If I can see myself truly only when I don't have makeup on, why do I loathe the moment in which I remove it? Makeup not only emphasizes my looks but also my personality, so it makes me more outgoing and more confident, but only because I believe myself to be more beautiful with it. Stripped down after such brightness, I just lose all potential. I shouldn't need something to cover my imperfections in order to feel confident, but life is a learning experience, and I'm still learning to accept and love myself exactly as I am.
Every time I wear makeup,I get compliments, since I don't use it often. Even with just some mascara and concealer on I hear the usual "You look so pretty today," to which I always respond, "Well, I have makeup on. It's the makeup." I understand that the comments are well-intentioned and they confirm that the makeup fulfilled its purpose: to make me look prettier. The worst feeling, though, arises from the observations I get from the elders in my family. "Don't you look so pretty when you actually try"; "Your skin looks so glowy; you should always be made up like this"; "Look, doesn't she look much better when she's well fixed up?" Last night I said: it's the makeup. "But smile, you look so pretty," I hear in response to my feelings of discomfort and pain that I am clearly but not successfully trying to mask. I try to turn my grimace to a smile.
Keeping up with society's standards of beauty is much more difficult than I would've ever thought, especially when reinforced by everyone around me. Even subconsciously, they all play a part in the growth of my insecurities. Maybe it's time to stop paying so much attention to those around me and start paying more attention to my pure self. It's time to stop defining myself by pretty. It's time to lift the pressure off my shoulders and realize that I don't need anything except myself in order to feel good enough. Pretty isn't everything, but in this world led by appearances, we sometimes forget that underneath everything, we are simply human.
