A year ago I was probably at McDonald's discussing high school drama over $2 for two McChickens and a small order of fries. It was somewhere between the hours of 9 p.m. and 2 a.m. (before they started closing early), and we had likely been sitting there for a quite a while. For some reason, McDonald's was the safe haven of my senior year. If there was nothing else to do, it was sure to provide an entertaining conversation for the night.
Last August, I was probably running around barefoot in the dark not ready to think about my future so instead living every moment in the present. Making the best of that last summer of high schooler's bliss. Every bonfire was lit (literally and figuratively), every car jam session was thrilling, every summer excursion was fueled by the urgent feeling that all of this would soon be over and we couldn't know what was coming next so we had to make the best of right now.
Last fall I was probably sitting curled up in my little bottom bunk watching the sun set over the east village excitedly texting a new friend. I had only had a taste of college but it was enough to fuel a new kind of fire. Not urgent but exhilarating. Every moment was new and I relished in that freedom.
In the spring I was in my zone. School had settled in and friendships had grown. I loved being where I was and who I was. I lived with a feeling of lightness and comfort. I liked this new place I had started to feel a part of.
As a naturally nostalgic person, I easily get lost in a fantasy of recreating last year’s perfect summer while simultaneously missing college life. This past year so much has been changing and the stakes have been so high there was always something new to deal with. This constant forward momentum took me along with it. Now as the dust settles on my college textbooks sitting in my room back home and the quiet of the suburbs begins to feel less and less foreign, I’m starting to feel myself slow down. There is no status quo, urgency, exhilaration, or freedom. Only fleeting moments of what "Home" used to feel like and watching everyone around you live the life in your past. It's an odd feeling. Relationships have shifted. High school hierarchies are no longer applicable. And although it's fun to relive the good parts of being home, it almost feels monotonous. There is this weird in between where I crave both the future and the past.
I’m not yet sure how to remedy this. I really want to enjoy this summer without constantly comparing it or wishing I could go back to school already. I need to find a new momentum to pull myself out of this seemingly full stop. Of course, it’s only the beginning and who knows what will happen over the next few months. But I’m done waiting for what’s out of my control to pull me along. There is no use in thinking in past tense because that will only drag me backward. And the future is so unpredictable that there is nothing real there urging me onward. I’m ready to start working towards my goals and actively being in the moment. And in this moment, I’m vowing that this realization will drive me forward until September.
