Having a baby born too early is one of the hardest things you ever have to face as a parent. Having to watch doctors, nurses and student assistants look after your baby and save their life when all you can do is nothing... Nothing but watch.
Nothing but cry, feel anger and hate the world.
Living in the NICU just next door to the delivery suit...watching parents take their full-term, healthy babies home within 24 hours... all you can do is watch.
NG tubes, breathing machines beep away and other wires around your baby, but you're not actually sure what they even are because you've not done any asking but instead just watching.
Desats, Brady's x100 every beep makes you jump... incubated, CPAP, vapor therm helping your baby breathe... why me? Why my baby? All I can do is sit here and watch...
Days, weeks and sometimes months go by seeing other NICU parents take their babies home that came in after you, all you can do is hold back tears, act happy for them and watch...
Wash your hands, dry your hands, wash your hands and dry your hands again and again, because you're terrified of an infection getting to your tiny baby. Washed them that much you're starting to get sore, cracked hands and fingers, but you don't care because you just want to get to your baby's incubator and watch...
First cuddles, first feed, first time getting dressed — the little things that mean the most. You take pictures and videos to go home without your baby and watch...
Days before going home you have to do courses, get medication together and make sure your baby can even fit in a car seat that seems the biggest cave once they're in it... 90 minutes... 90 minutes while they sit in it you just watch.
Home time... you're nervous, emotional, scared. You don't know if you can do this without 24-hour help from nurses, don't know if you can do it without that small machine being attached to tell you if your baby is ok.
You go home... it doesn't end, their first night you have no idea why your baby is crying because you've not spent that much time overnight, every noise they make, every movement you just lie away and watch.
I'm a NICU parent and I can, I did and I will continue to be strong just like my preemie.
