The end of the semester always comes with a lot of end of the year parties and ceremonies. Especially as a graduating senior, I feel the need to participate in the last banquets or ceremonies I will ever attend in college.
It’s exciting and at the same time, I dread having to go, be surrounded by people for several hours, most of whom I don’t know, and pretend like I’m good at interacting with others. I’m not.
It seems like for most people, a perfect Friday night would be going out to a bar or a large party. They’d rather spend their free time with a group of friends. When someone calls them up to hang out they’re more than happy to drop what they’re doing and go. Even something as simple as studying or going out to lunch would rather be done with friends.
Not me. I’d much rather be alone.
That’s not to say I don’t like going out. I’ll go out with a few friends every now and then, go to lunch, study with someone, or go to the mall. I have a few close friends who I’m always down to hang out with. However, most of the time I prefer to spend time with me, myself, and I.
I’ve always been extremely introverted, and I think I’m becoming even more reclusive as I get older. Crowd’s make me nervous, being around people I don’t know well makes me uncomfortable. I’m terrible at starting conversations and when I do, I’d like to discuss something much deeper than others prefer to go. In social situations I’d rather let the extroverts do all the talking and I’ll observe.
When I’m on my own, in the company of only myself and my thoughts, I feel much more comfortable. There is no judgment and no need to pretend, conform, or act like something I’m not.
Being around other people, with very few exceptions, is exhausting. There is the constant pressure to act. I feel the need to smile, pay attention, and continue conversations long after they’ve ended. I soon start to feel drained and would rather be doing anything else and unfortunately I have to stay until the social gathering is over.
I’d rather be at home than out late at night, alone with my thoughts and a means to be creative such as writing or drawing.When I’m alone I’m able to nurture my soul in a way that I can’t when I’m around others. I’m able to do things that are meaningful to me instead of carrying on pointless conversations that will go nowhere in the end.
If I’m not creating, I’m either learning or indulging in things that make me happy such as a good book, a TV show, or my favorite music. Becoming lost in a world that another person has created is infinitely more fun than a shallow reality.
There is no nervousness of questioning whether I just said the right thing. There is no right or wrong when I’m by myself. It’s just me, and that’s all that I need.
