WARNING: The following piece details the highly addictive app Neko Atsume. If you value your free-will and humanity, read no further. However if you have a lot of time on your hands, that you don’t mind sacrificing to virtual felines and 8-bit buttholes, proceed.
It’s hard to believe that a week ago I had no idea what Neko Atsume was. When one of my friends convinced me to download the app, I was not prepared. I had no idea that these kitty kleptos would become my entire life. I’m now broke, sleep deprived, and friendless. I do not want the same to happen to you. So before you download, educate yourself. Enjoy this guide on the stages of Neko obsession and make plans for when you inevitably fail out of school.
1. When you initially download the app as “a joke”
The next thing you know you're setting an alarm for 3 am so you can refill your Frisky Bitz.
2. When you skip class readings to research proper Neko Atsume jargon and hacks
And then you write an entire Odyssey article knowing that none of your readers will understand your technical terminology (wtf is a frisky bitz).
3. When you're in public and survey the crowd to make sure it's safe to open the app
Nothing is more traumatizing than being in the Starbucks line and realizing that "that girl" from your Art History class is watching you buy Bonito Bitz in bulk.
4. When you begin to resent the ungrateful cats that play with your bougie toys but only leave two sardines and a shiny acorn
Thanks for the Rusty Spoon, Ginger, how about you just leave a piece of grass from my own lawn next time?
5. When you start to spend actual money to get more gold fish
You know it’s a problem when your parents call you to ask about some mysterious Japanese characters on their bank statement.
6. When you sell all of your possessions to afford a yard expansion
No one really needs a computer or textbooks, but Snowball needs that art-deco sunken fireplace.
7. When you see Tubbs for the first time and it's like looking into the eyes of God
You immediately wipe the ashes off your forehead and down an entire bucket of cheese puffs to cease lenting and worship the lord and savior that is Tubbs.
8. When your group text transforms into a photo album of Neko Atsume screenshot
Acquisition of rare cats may cause rifts in friendships. But remember, you’re not here to make friends. You’re here to become America’s Next Top Kitty Collector.
9. When you want to brag about getting a new rare cat but you're surrounded by non-collectors
No one will ever appreciate Guy Furry or General Meow like you do. Prepare for a life of isolation.
10. When you meet a fellow kitty collector and friend them on Facebook immediately
Or even if you don’t actually meet them! If I see that app open on your phone, you can most definitely expect some low-key cyber-stalking.
11. When a potential employer asks about your skills and interests and you go off about Neko Atsume for forty minutes
You may wonder why you never heard back, but you probably don’t have time for a job anyway –your cats need you.
12. When you eventually animorph into an actual cat
Meow meow meow meow meow; meow, meow meow meow meow , meow meow, meow meow meow.
No one is immune to Neko Atsume addiction. It can strike at any moment. If it can happen to me, it can happen to you. So be cautious—it’s a Cat eat Deluxe Tuna Bits world out there.
