Just recently, I read a New York Times article talking about polyamory and open relationships, in which it talked in depth about this postmodern concept and common misunderstandings.
While groups of social minorities, such as the LGBTQ group, are gaining massive public attentions, people who choose polyamory as their way of dealing with sexual and romantic encounters are by far commonly regarded as “sluts”, especially within countries holding conservative values. While conventions fade through time and younger generations begin to hold the majority of the population, this choice is receiving more acceptance, but it is still to a very limited extent.
Having chosen polyamory for a while, I have received disapproval from many people, including my parents. I have been shouted at and given judging glances. However, I stand firmly by my choice because it freed me from overwhelming restrictive commitments that would otherwise heavily influence other parts of my life. It is common that people under such commitments are troubled by jealousy, or doubts of their partners’ possible cheating, among other problems occurring within exclusive relationships. Hurtful feelings coming out from these troubles and force people to waste time dealing with them.
Frankly speaking, I believe that, apart from social and cultural obligations or simply the belief in love (which I laugh at), one main incentive for people to choose monogamy is selfishness, or a desire for possession, or, as more people would admit, jealousy. However, monogamy is not the tonic to such sentiments. If anything, it only intensifies them.
The article said, and I quote:
“‘A woman once asked me, “Don’t you get jealous?,”’ Mr. Savage said. ‘And I looked at her and said, “Don’t you?” Monogamous commitments aren’t force fields that protect you from jealousy.’
Jealousy is a universal emotion that transcends socio-sexuality states.” (Mr. Savage is in an open-relationship)
Indeed. Restricting one’s partner with monogamous commitments defined by social norms is never going to help people get over their insecurity about their relationships. I personally think that, when my partner encounters another person to whom he gets attracted, there is no difference between “him painfully restricting himself under pressure of our commitment” and him cheating on me.
Especially in today’s society, people see new faces everyday, and there is little chance that anyone is anyone’s lifelong best choice. Even if they are, it should take a whole lifetime for them to realize it, and only through a process of meeting a large amount of other people.
Restraining people’s freedom cannot keep attractions fresh in a relationship. Therefore, it is only logical that we don’t keep our significant others in a cage, and meanwhile don’t keep yourself in the same cage. Overcome your jealousy by adjusting your attitude, not by restraining others.
