We are living in an age of labels. That fact contains enough complexities to constitute an article in and of itself, but it remains a fact.
My own personal handful of identity labels is close to overflowing: I am a nonbinary, transmasculine, gender nonconforming, queer, bisexual, polyamorous individual. As someone who spends the majority of my time among groups whose politics plunge far left, I’m used to most of these things being accepted by those around me. I’m lucky enough to be comfortable coming out as queer and trans to my friends, my classmates, and the majority of my family.
Polyamory is another story. And that’s a problem.
The extent to which poly relationships are shunted aside, laughed at, and reviled is not okay: this stigma is the reason that I sometimes can’t be my most genuine self even with the people closest to me. As I’ve navigated this difficult reality, I’ve come to realize that a good deal of popular disdain for polyamory comes from misconceptions about its very definition.
You can help end this unnecessary stigma simply by educating yourself, and you can start right now. Here are some important things to know:
1. Polyamory is not polygamy.
“I’m polyamorous.”
“Oh, like Brigham Young?”
No, absolutely not like Brigham Young. A polyamorous relationship does not often consist simply of one person with several partners. Rather, it may refer to a wider web of partnerships, or to three or more people who are all in a committed relationship with one another.
For example: I am in a relationship with two people. Let’s call them Nora and Aaron. Nora and I are also in a separate relationship with a third person, Lucas. Though Aaron and Lucas are not partners, they’re good friends. Lucas also has a girlfriend, who is monogamous herself, but understands and accepts that Lucas has multiple partners.
Complicated? Absolutely. But we are all open and understanding about each other’s relationships. And ultimately, it isn’t about the complicated diagrams--it’s about all of us being able to date the people we care about. All of us are happy, and that’s what matters.
2. Genuine polyamory is always, always consensual.
Always. Always. Always. Can I make that any clearer? Dating multiple people without their knowledge is never acceptable. Polyamory is not synonymous with greediness or indecisiveness. On the contrary, it emphasizes the necessity of healthy communication, in order to ensure that everyone involved is comfortable at all times.
3. Polyamorous people can still cheat, and that isn’t okay.
One more time for the people in the back: polyamory is always consensual. If I were to start dating someone new without the knowledge of any of my current partners, that would be a betrayal of trust. Unless we’ve discussed a mutual lack of transparency beforehand, it is dishonest and unfair for me to enter a new relationship without informing my other partner(s).
Make note: this doesn’t mean that I need to ask them permission to date someone else. In the majority of cases, my other partners will be excited for me and my new relationship. Other times, they may express some discomfort or jealousy. We’ll then sit down together and talk it out, working to identify the root of this issue and how it can be resolved. This may or may not alleviate my partner’s discomfort. If not, the choice of whether or not to date the new person remains mine: however, I need to be conscious of my partner’s emotions, and it is my responsibility to do everything in my power to comfort them.
4. There are many different types of polyamorous relationships.
Everything I’ve said so far applies to me and my partners personally. Other partnerships, however, may see things differently, and that’s okay. What matters--can I ever emphasize this enough?--is that every aspect of the relationship is consensual. This means that thorough and open discussion is an absolute must. Since polyamory is far from the norm, no two people expect quite the same thing out of a multi-partner relationship. It is the responsibility of every person in that relationship to be aware of others’ concerns and vocal about their own at all times.
5. Polyamorous people do not necessarily fall under the LGBT umbrella.
Not all polyamorous people are queer or trans, and the stigma against polyamory is not the same as the oppression of LGBT people. Though these identities intersect for many of us, it should be understood that polyamory remains a separate issue. Polyamorous marriages are not “the next step” after same-sex marriages, and someone being in a polyamorous relationship does not mean that they identify as lesbian, gay, or bisexual. Remember: orientation determines who you love, not how you love.
This is a lot of information to juggle. Know that there are myriad resources to help you on the internet--give “polyamory” a quick Google search, and you’ll find yourself flooded with a plethora of other writers who are eager to help educate you. You’ll learn more for your efforts--and your polyamorous friends and family will be beyond grateful.
