It started in fourth grade.
I know that sounds like a cliché,
but it had to start somewhere
and that’s when fear became engrained.
It started with a girl,
a girl I assumed was a true friend.
We talked and played every day,
and I’d never thought I’d have to defend
myself against something she would say.
because friends don’t harm each other.
But sometimes you discover the truth the hard way,
and the truth must be uncovered.
It started after lunch at school one day
when she asked if we could go back
to the class because she needed to
and I complied because she asked.
She went to her desk while
I waited at the door
for her to retrieve the thing
that we went there for.
Out of the corner of my eye,
I saw her take her pencil
and put it on my desk
but I was not judgmental.
I thought she surely had a good
reason to want to do this,
since friends don’t harm each other
because friendship is a promise
to be considerate and kind
as well as sharing your time
and to make each other smile
when all we want to do is cry,
right?
So we departed for the playground
and I ignored what I had seen.
when the bell rang we went back,
and that’s when she got mean.
“You stole my pencil!” she yelled.
“No, I saw you put it there,” I cried.
Everyone else was confused
since neither proved that the other lied.
But the reason why she did it
was out of spite and competition.
She wanted to sabotage me by
harming my emotions and image.
My social anxiety started that day
because someone was willing to
pretend to be my friend
but truly view me as prey.
But the effects were not instant.
I thought she was on bad apple
in a barrel of others who were different.
I was wrong.
Over the rest of my life,
it became a cycle of
new girls trying to turn me
into the Count of Monte Cristo.
And each time it happened,
I became more fearful
due to believing it was my fault
and I deserved it
for being a little too cheerful.
I thought I needed to make them happy
by hiding my every ability
and even my personality.
This is social anxiety.
Social anxiety is not weakness.
Social anxiety is knowing that
some people will try to
sabotage your happiness.
Fear and anxiety are felt naturally.
They act as motivators against
environmental warnings
like stalking.
Social anxiety is sensitivity
to what everyone else is feeling.
I am constantly apologizing
for things I’m not even
a reason for proceeding.
Social anxiety is
physiological.
I can cognitively understand
that not everyone is a Regina George
to my Cady Heron,
But since the bullying was periodical,
my body is wired for a chronical
fight-or-flight response
when presented with a new obstacle.
I’ve never had a therapist
or be given medication.
What I needed was to learn
how I earned this new condition.
Social anxiety, like all mental health issues,
cannot be overcome by strength.
It is something to accept
because it may not fade away.
It is not a weakness to be
condemned by everyone else.
It is a condition tailored
by personal environments.
The moral of the story
is that mental health is
everyone’s responsibility.
The way we treat others
determines the mental health
of the entire community.
If you ever watched Legally Blonde,
you’ll know that in the movie
Elle Woods says “happy people
just don’t shoot their husbands”
because a mindset of harming
others is a mindset that’s unhealthy.
Mental health is loving yourself
Unconditionally.
And social anxiety can become a phobia
if the bullying is unending.
Hey, I am not paranoid.
I don’t think anyone wants to kill me,
but my body will be responsive
to external warnings, like stalking
No one should ever feel like
they should break someone else down
in order to love themselves fully.
And just as fear can be instilled,
kindness can also change the way
our neural pathways are forming.
Empathy is not an option,
empathy is a necessity.
Treating other people right
is being mentally healthy.
