Less than a year ago I made what I thought was the perfect plan.

Less than a year ago I made a plan to kill myself.

This was not a new plan. It was not a new thought even, but a constant voice in the back of my head, the voice of those around me, telling me I had nothing else to live for. My time was done and I can easy commit the deed to end my life.

This was in March.

I still have the voice revisiting me at times to remind me that I can still end my life.

It would be easy. Simple.

Less than a year ago I made the decision not to kill myself and I continue to make that decision every day.

Less than a year ago I decided to move out of a negative environment that reassured my thoughts of killing myself into one I knew and felt supported in.

Less than a year ago I went into the chapel with my best friend for an event put on by the religious group we attended on campus. Never mind the fact that I had doubts and continue to have doubts about whether or not there is a God. It was there I broke down because of the plan I had running through my mind to end my life that night. It was there that I had to step out into the hallway and be checked on by my friends because they did not know what was going on in my mind at that moment.

I do not believe it was a moment of God that changed my mind that night. I do not believe it was the power of God that convinced me not to kill myself that night.

Less than a year ago I was sitting with my friends at brunch, following that visit to the chapel, which began the process of moving out of where I was staying then into a different hall. Into the hall where I was currently staying until ungodly hours of the night, which led to a large group of friends walking me back to the hall I actually lived in. I was going to move into the hall where I was studying in the day and in the night, where I was spending most of my time and days with those I considered more than just friends but family, into the hall where people cared about whether I was dead or alive.

Yes, there were people in the original hall that I stayed in that cared whether I was alive or dead. But that hall was the affirmation that I could kill myself.

"Why did you move out of your hall? .... You don't need to tell me," they say as they wait for the reason for why I moved out.

You do not owe them an answer. You do not owe anyone but yourself answer.

I do not owe them an answer.

I moved out because I was going to kill myself. There are multiple factors into why I was going to kill myself. But the situation was that I was going to kill myself but I did not.

I moved out.

I left.

Very few people knew the truth, most only knowing half truths or nothing at all.

I do not owe them an answer or an explanation. I do not need to go into detail about why or how I was going to kill myself.

I got out.

Yet the thoughts stayed.

And the thoughts are still here.

But I am getting better slowly. I am not running away. I will struggle and continue to struggle. I will fall down but I will get back up. It might take a while. It might take a long time but I am alive.

I am alive.

I am alive and so are you.

You do not owe them an answer. You do not owe anyone but yourself an answer.

You deserve to live.

How you are doing is important. How you are feeling is important. Your emotions are important. You are important.

I waited a long time. I waited such a long time to get out. And it is still hard.

No matter how long it takes, you are important.

You are important. You deserve to live.

Do not wait until you are ready to kill yourself, please. There are other ways out that do not involve ending your life. Continue to live. It is hard but you are worth it.

You deserve to live.