When most people are sad they seek out others to help comfort them. Usually this consists of hugging. However, that's not the case for me. In fact, I want to be left alone when I am in pain because I don't know how to accept your comfort. I don't know if it's from the depression or the way that I grew up but I have been fighting so hard alone, that I don't know what it's like to have someone help me anymore. In fact having a person hug me when I am crying or upset makes me angry and uncomfortable. I don't want you to touch me. I don't want you to touch me because I don't want you to see me suffer. I don't want you to be upset for me. I don't want you to see me sad. Most of all, I don't want you to touch me because I don't want to know your touch so well that when you are gone I miss it. I know that one day you will be gone and I don't want to miss your touch along with everything else I will miss about you.

I once read a quote that summed up the way I feel about being touched. It read "You can never know how sad a person truly is until you see them laugh while they are crying roughly, flinching away from your touch when you reach out to comfort them. That's when you know they are deeply hurt, when they start to deny the comfort of someone and prefer to be alone to handle pain."

Now I know that this seems rough but it's not anyone's fault. I just don't want others to see me upset because I want to make people happy. I want to be the one doing the comforting. I want to be the one to help turn another person's day around. I just want to help others who have been going through a hard time. So, when people see me they always think I am smiling. That's how I want to be remembered, as someone who could brighten your day. I don't want my disease to define me. I don't want people to see me and think about my depression. Do I talk about it? Yes, but when I talk about it, it's on my terms and usually I don't get upset about it. In fact I talk about how I'm fighting it. How there are good days and bad days but I will in in the end. I want to be better than my disease but when you touch me it makes it worse. I want to be strong and I know that asking for help when you are sad is strength but please don't touch me. I will talk about what's bothering me all day and I will ask for your support but your touch will break down a wall that is the only thing stopping my suffering from getting worse. So please, don't touch me.