What are you most addicted to? What never leaves your side? If you read the title of this article, you might think I'm talking about your phone (availability heuristic, anybody?). You would be right. Or maybe you're not right at all. Technically YOU never leave your side, either. Anyways, this is not meant to be an overwhelming intervention about your personal attachment problems.
I'm a self-proclaimed expert, which means as a reader, you should immediately be skeptical about everything I say. Just a little hint. I'm here to let you know what different types of phone cases say about a person. These examples are all iPhones, but they apply to every brand...so please don't yell at me.
Why judge a book by its cover when nobody even reads anymore?
1. No Case
This means you simply do not care about your sixth toe's well being. I'm playing with epithets for a phone, bear with me. You either never get a case of the dropsies or you need to live life on the edge to avoid that ever-looming knowledge that life is meaningless.
2. The "Wooden" Case
A wooden phone case means you either have your life together or you're pretending you do for the sake of everyone else. You're all about the Aesthetic and you find yourself wishing there was a better way to include your phone case in every Instagram post.
3. The "Camo" Case
A phone? What phone? I just like to move my thumbs around in the air like this because it burns calories.
4. The "Weak Pun" Case
This case means you're quirky and fun and you definitely watch the Puppy Bowl with M&Ms in your popcorn. Listen, I get it. The little bee is cute, the design is nice, and it has an uplifting message. Actually, I was going to make fun of this, but now it's in my cart. Never mind.
5. The "I LIKE ANIMALS" Case
You are so relatable it hurts. This case is an indicator that you only wear cargo pants. They're literally the only item of clothing with big enough pockets to hold your phone. You also probably take a lot of mirror selfies with the flash on even though that completely throws off the lighting and blocks half of your face. You do you, boo.
6. The "Wallet" Case
You have little to no pockets and no time for nonsense. You're all about efficiency and, frankly, you don't care whether or not your phone is cute or if it's awkward to hold. These cases are nice in theory and not in practice: if you lose your phone you literally lose your identity.
7. The "I'm in a Fandom" Case
You're obsessed and you're not ashamed of it. You know what makes you happy and that's an admirable trait to have. Normal people scare me too, we should be friends.
8. The "Purely Protective" Case
You have felt true heartbreak and now you live in fear. Or you have butter fingers. Or both. Probably both. Eventually, you'll get tired of having a brick in your pocket and will switch to the quirky pun case instead.