If you are like the majority of college students these days, your mom and dad pay for and provide for a LOT of the stuff you are doing day to day. As a result, there is some level of obligation to answer that comes attached to a phone call from your mom. Now, this is usually the most painful, begrudging kind of obligation, but you can't just not answer. If you don't answer her call you could wake up two days later with your tuition unpaid, your credit card canceled, your car sent to become scrap and by nightfall you are living under a bridge in downtown Dallas (or maybe that is just my mom). But I digress. The point is, how do you answer that call? Because if one thing is for sure, it is that you are absolutely not doing something she'd approve of.
It's the season finale of "The Walking Dead." You and three friends are sitting in your dorm glued to the television when your phone buzzes. Your heart stops, you glance down at your phone and see that it reads "Mom."
"Hey! What are you up to? I know you said you had that test tomorrow so i'm just checking in with you," she asks innocently after you tentatively respond to her call. At this point you glance around the trash-strewn room and evaluate the situation. Once you have realized that there is absolutely a 0 percent chance that you can answer that question honestly, you begin to fabricate. They don't teach it in schools, but the ability to fabricate a story that is simply too detailed and convincing for someone to think is a lie can be a valuable asset to have at times. To simplify things, the conversation can be broken down into three main parts, which I will explain below.
Phase one – the opening
Think of this part as a kickoff return. She kicks you the ball with a very generic opening question or statement, and what you do with it right now determines the field position you are working with for the entire conversation. It may look something like this...
"Oh, hey! Yeah that test is going super well, me and (insert friends who are also not doing anything constructive with you) are all sitting here together working on it. I've got my books all spread out in front of me and we're working really hard." I'll stop the story at this point to say that every good fabrication has truth to it. It sounds a lot more convincing and sure of yourself if you use the names of friends who are physically in front of you, and you may or may not really have your books in front of you while you procrastinate. And the phrase "working hard" is really pretty ambiguous. You could mean studying, but more likely you mean attempting to finish two pizzas with three people.
Phase two – the elaboration
To any reasonable person you have adequately responded to their question and they should be satisfied at this point. But your mom is anything but a reasonable person. For starters, she is a girl. Remember this, because it means that she FOR SURE has tons of questions ready that have been carefully prepared to catch you in any sort of lie. To head this off, you need to take your story way further that you think you need to. Before she even has time to ask her questions, you need to cover all your bases in such a way that she really doesn't have anything left to ask...
(you) "Oh yeah and I forgot! You would't believe it mom but I completely forgot that on top of my test tomorrow I have a project due in (some other class, preferably a hard one) on Friday! It's ridiculous how they stack these things so closely together, I've been working so hard all day that I have hardly had time to eat!" Make sure that you use LOTS of emphasis on all of your statements, it makes them sound more credible. Also, throwing in the fictional project does several things for you that are positive in this situation. For starters, it's only Monday night in this situation so she will feel very happy with you for taking initiative and already being concern with something due Friday (like that would ever happen). Also, it activates her motherly instincts, which are really your number one weapon, and makes her concerned for you that you have hardly had time to eat. Mothers don't just want their kids to do well, they want school to be unreasonably difficult and have you still do well. Otherwise how could they brag to their friends at brunch about you? At this point you need to delve deeper into your cover story and provide more details than she can possibly keep track of; "Yeah, I got up before my classes today and re-outlined all the chapters for my test. Then, ask soon as I got home I got my notes together and started working on my project with (two more friends names go here. These names are arbitrary details that really go a long way). After that I did X, then Y and then Z..." Just keep going with a detailed play-by-play of your day. She won't remember anything but she will feel like you've been working.
Phase 3 – the wrap up
Now she is totally convinced you have been working hard, and is more concerned about trivial things like sleep and food. She'll make sure that you're ok and all that jazz and you simply need to field a few standard questions about your well being before returning to your all-important procrastination. Mission Accomplished!
Disclaimer: I am not responsible for your future procrastination, and you really shouldn't lie to your mom, she means well. But just in case you need to...
