Freshman year of high school, I remember my parents imposing a no dating until 16 rule. In response, I scoffed at their unnecessary efforts.
“Mooooommmm,” I whined in the most irritating teenage girl voice you can imagine. “This is sooooo dumb. I’m not going to date until I’m, like, 30 anyways.”
Looking back now, 14-year-old Dana wasn’t far from the truth (though it may or may not have more to do with my perpetually awkward nature). In high school, my friends began to get into serious relationships. Not me. After all, I was in over ten different clubs, working a part-time job, and taking an overload of AP and advanced classes. With that busy schedule, there was no way I could squeeze a boy into my life.
Entering college, my parents told me that, before I knew it, I would find a boyfriend. Finally I was going to be surrounded by ‘wholesome Christian men.' And, of course, my whiny teenage voice resurfaced as I repeated the forever true words of 14-year-old Dana:
“Mooooommmm. That is sooooo dumb. I’m not going to date until I’m, like, 30 anyways.”
Once again, my life continued to fill up with everything under the sun. I was (and still am) scheduled to the brim, maximizing my time and spreading myself thin among work, homework, friends, clubs and church. Whenever people asked me why I'm not seeing anyone I never fail to respond with, “Oh I don’t have time for that. I’m simply too busy!”
Looking back, being ‘too busy’ has been my excuse for the entire 19 years of my life (okay, fine. I probably wasn't making excuses when I was two...but still). While it is legitimate, it’s an excuse nonetheless. I think the real reason is much deeper than that: I’m scared. I’m scared of losing control. I’m scared of having to take another person into consideration, rather than thinking only of myself.
You see, entering a relationship means giving up your time, your plans, and your future. It means valuing someone else’s needs above your own. It means derailing plans you’ve had for years and years for an ill-thought out potential future with another person.
From the girl who always needs to be in control of everything, that just doesn’t work with my life right now. I have dreams and plans I need to accomplish. The idea of changing them frightens me.
Where I’m at right now, I'm not ready for that kind of commitment. I’m not ready to sacrifice my time with friends and hobbies. I’m not ready to consider altering my plans for another person.
Some may say that’s bad. I should ‘grow up’ and learn to sacrifice for a person other than myself. However, I disagree. Dating is a serious commitment, and when I enter a relationship, I want to give 110% to it. If I'm not positive I can commit to it, why would I waste either of our time?
I apologize if I'm too rational or unromantic, but that's the truth. I am a girl with dreams and goals, and I'm fairly unwilling to change them. Some may say that's sad, or that I'm missing out on a beautiful aspect of life. However, I look at it in a different light. In being in a relationship, you sometimes miss out on the beauty of independence and freedom. You miss the chance to discover the things that make you uniquely you.
Sometimes my friends ask if I'm bothered by my perpetual state of singlehood. My answer is always a mix of yes and no. Yes, I sometimes hate third, seventh, or even eleventh wheeling with all my friends who have significant others. At the same time, though, I'm my number one fan and support. I don't have to worry about living up to anyone else's expectations. Rather, I can be truly myself—even if that means stuffing my face with three slices of pizza and eating it as messily as I want.
Even though I have never been one to pine for a relationship anyways, it feels so good to be reminded of the strength of independence. I don't rely on anyone else to make me happy. There's no one to disappoint me or break my heart. Maybe there will come a time when someone comes and turns my life upside down, and maybe there won't be. However, that doesn't matter. What matters is the knowledge that I can live a sincerely happy life with or without someone in my life to help me get by. As Toni Morrison poignantly states, "You your best thing." Love yourself first. See what comes next later.
