I want to preface this by saying I love you. Sure, loving you could be considered a given because we’re family, but I am truly grateful that somehow, through the mystical ways of the world or pure chance, you are a part of my life. I probably don’t tell you that enough.
You are a year older than me. Being the oldest in my immediate family, you are the closest thing to an older sibling to me. I don’t think I have ever told you this, but I am extremely grateful that you serve as a barrier between me and the “real” world. You’re the one who has to endure through the unknown first, while I get to sit back and watch from the sidelines.
Even though we’re on fairly good terms now, in the past, we fought. A lot. I don’t think there is anything we haven’t fought about to be quite honest. Remember that time when we were doing karaoke in your basement? You were around three, and I was probably two. There were two mics, one for each of us, but the second you chose one mic, that became the mic I wanted. I fought you over that mic, and eventually, you let me have it. But as you gravitated toward the other mic, I suddenly lost interest in the one I currently had, and wanted the one you were reaching towards, too. I wanted what you had, always have. To put it simply, I was jealous of you. In my mind, you had everything and everything you had was far closer to perfection than I could ever dream of.
Until it wasn’t.
The truth isn’t pretty, and sometimes it’s just easier kept hidden. But the thing is, it always ends up coming out.
There are some things that can’t be ignored once you heard them. This new information begins to plague your mind, infect everything, and taint all the good memories. In a way, it gave me perspective. Maybe you began spiraling because we all put you on a pedestal, the girl who could, and would, do no harm.
I know we haven’t talked that much as of late, but I want you to know that you are someone who I still, and always will, look up to. Everyone screws up, I sure as hell did. Probably more times than normal, ooh self-deprecation, but in the end, everything will somehow turn out okay. Trust me. The universe is funny like that. It’ll knock you down and then give you the chance to rise back up, only to knock you down again. Fucking hilarious, am I right? You’ve always been there for me, prepared to help me pick up the broken pieces and mend them back together. Just because you are supposed to be the older, wiser, smarter one, doesn’t mean you can’t ask for help, too. I am here, ready to help in any way you need.
So don’t turn your back on me now.