My alarm sounded and as I began to unfold myself from the mass of sheets, I realized something was amiss. I wasn’t at home; I was in my dorm in a college nine hours away. It was two days into freshman year, and I had never been more scared in my life. Every freshman experiences this sensation, that moment when you realize you aren’t at home anymore. Freshman year of college thus far has been greatest and scariest time of my life. I’ve made friends I know I will keep forever, gotten sick twice in four weeks, and heard the song "Closer" by the Chainsmokers enough to be a part of the band. I am already sick of the cafeteria food, and the showers in my dorm are actually terrifying. I also love my life more than I ever have before. But however much fun I am having in every moment, I often times feel myself missing the comfort of home and wanting to take a second to breathe in a place that I know to be mine.
Growing up in a small community my whole life, the world outside of my rural Georgia city seemed obtainable yet not pursuable. I knew it existed, however, despite all my predilections that I was worldly, I had not experienced it. Moving to college was a big change for me. Being from a home very family oriented, I had grown reliant on my mom and dad for almost every basic need. Doing laundry, getting opinions on my style, and cleaning up my room were merely surface level problems I dealt with the first weeks into college. After getting accustomed to living independently and feeling as though I had complete control over my life (not), I realized that the missing link was the emotional support I missed from my home. My family was not around to meet my new friends, listen to all the hilarious moments I experienced in a day, or hear me rant about a class I was drowning in.
The brief phone calls, texts, and Skype dates with my mom and dad make me feel closer than ever to home. In the background of the videos, I can see in the distance my pet cat or family chicken shed, and feel as if I am right at home sitting on my couch. However, after the conversations end and I hang up the phone, I am left again in my dorm room with the same sensation I felt when I woke up that second day of college: a flurry of bittersweet melancholy, the simultaneous ending and beginning of a new time in my life.
I cannot help but feel partly ashamed and disconcerted at my desire to be at home with my family. At Davidson College, I am surrounded by amazing people all the time. For a shameless plug to my hallmates, I love living and learning about life with you crazy people. Every moment of the day, I am constantly growing and learning to become a better version of myself; however, this sensation of growth and overall newness often makes me wish I could experience these new sensations with the people I love and left behind at home. When I speak to my parents for brief moments throughout my day, I feel as if my two worlds are intermingling: my new life at Davidson and the world I left behind nine hours away. Despite the distance, I feel as if the parts of home I left will be an integral part of my life forever. And, I am constantly reminding myself that it’s okay to be lonely and also happy with yourself.
