No matter my luck with men, no matter the embarrassing stories, there is one constant in my life that will never let me down. Girls, gather ‘round and share the joy for makeup wipes—the Lazy College Girl’s secret tool to success.

Dearest Make-Up Wipes,

You were there for me for the Big Nasty Breakup of 2011. Despite the never-ending waterfalls, it took me one short swoop to magically erase hours of my best friend’s “waterproof” mascara. TLC, I totally agree, I’m not up for three more hours of chasing waterfalls.

You were even there for my partying alter ego, on those treacherous late-nights us girls just couldn’t seem to seem to muster enough will power to walk the two feet to the dorm room sink to wash our faces. Thank you for not allowing me wake up looking like a dying raccoon stuck in the rain—that’s a sight no one should ever be #blessed with seeing.

Thanks for not making my eyes feel like they have experienced the treacherous fires of Hell itself, like your good ole’ friend the so-called “oil-free, gentle, sensitive to the eyes” liquid makeup remover seems to do. If anyone discovers the alien whose eyes do not burn from this poison, let um know that I’d like to meet this special creature.

Thanks for allowing me to perfect my usual makeup regime, for those accidental moments you draw your eyeliner just a wee bit too far and unintentionally end up looking like Amy Winehouse or Cleopatra or even Marilyn Manson—yikes.

To the times I try to rock the Taylor Swift Redder than Red lipstick and end up looking scarier than a clown, you make me look hella fre$h. You didn’t even abandon me that hilarious time I tried to contour my face like Cosmo recommended. Note to self: just don’t.

Lastly, thank you for allowing me to go from 100 to 0 real quick—ready for bed and guilt-free that I (maybe) won’t wake up with a plethora of breakouts.

My pillow loves you too, btw.

With love,

Kaitlyn

P.S. See you soon, homie.