My greatest fear is pretty common I guess…as fears go. But mine affects me in a huge way. My greatest fear is losing someone from my life. Not just the loss of a life, but also the loss of their presence from mine and the loss of a relationship as it once was.
Like standing in a parking lot watching as someone you love drives away, or not sleeping in anticipation of a phone call for help, or the approach of a final hug before you part ways for a long time, or dropping to the floor after a call and begging for them to be OK, or refusing comfort because you still don’t believe they are gone, or writing a letter in hopes to mend a broken friendship, or standing by my grandpa's bedside pretending to be strong as he slowly drifts away, or staying in a manipulative friendship because you care too much about the person, or anticipating your last day of high school, or watching as your friend disappears into the terminal to fly halfway around the world.
My heart has many holes, and every time a person comes into my life, they fill one. They stay there. I tend to get the impression that they will be in my life for as long as I live, and I do everything I can to keep them there. So I wait in the parking lot, I stay awake waiting for the phone to ring, I avoid the hug, I stay on my knees and pray for a miracle, I refuse comfort because I’m not ready to admit they are gone, I keep writing letters even when I receive no response, I sit silent by the bedside, I remain in a manipulative relationship because I don’t want to say goodbye, I stay after school everyday to cherish each moment, I fly across the ocean to see their face one more time.
I avoid the pain as long as possible. It is hard to imagine something or someone so impossibly perfect happening twice. But there comes a time when you have to drive away, when you have to turn off your phone and go to sleep, when you accept the long final embrace before “goodbye,” when you have to get off your knees and do something about it, when you have to let someone hold you when you realize they’re gone, when you have to stop writing, when you have to stand up and leave the bedside, when you have to leave behind a poisonous relationship, when you run triumphantly through the halls of your high school as a new alumnus, and when the ocean becomes too large.
There comes a time to let go.
Life revolves around other people. But the tricky part is…it revolves. Life keeps moving, and we have to move with it. Sometimes people's lives begin to move slower or faster than ours (or stop completely) and we can only keep up with them or hit pause for so long. If we try to keep up or slow down, we will miss a valuable part of our own. You may pass each other once in a while or not at all, but it will never be the same. You just have to keep moving. And you know… that’s OK. Cherish the old memories and the people of your past, but keep your eyes open and set forward. It’s a big life, and a big world.
