Life has been great lately. College is fun, my friends are amazing, my boyfriend loves me unconditionally. But, there's something that hangs over me at all times and consumes the time I should be spending in the present. The past.
I'll find myself having fun with my friends, but then remembering how awful it was to be ghosted by a boy in 10th grade. I'll be watching Netflix with my boyfriend and have a flashback to a mean comment a boy made about me in 6th grade. These occasions can ruin my day, and quite honestly, I'm tired of my past ruining my future.
I've had a lot of heartbreak in my life, be it romantic, platonic, or tragic. It's hard to not think about those pains and it's been ever harder to separate them from my current life. I've never been happier about where my life is and where it's headed, but geez, the past can really get me down.
I harbor grudges for longer than I'd like to admit. I'm known to occasionally and spontaneously unfriend and unfollow people who have hurt me. It doesn't ever help because then I'm not dealing with everything that I should be. The thing with the past, especially the painful parts, is that it's life's greatest teacher, and if you run away from it, you'll never learn.
So yeah I run away from the painful bits, but I also hold on to a lot of unnecessary anger. No, I'm not still angry about that breakup or that fight with my best friend, but bring it up, and I'll see red. If life away at college has taught me anything, it's that you need to let things roll off your back in the real world.
Pop culture tells girls and young women that holding vendettas and acting like a "cool" girl with no feelings is cool, but it's so damaging. By never allowing myself to deal with the painful parts of my life, I've subjected myself to long nights thinking about where I went wrong and what I could have done better. My rational brain knows that many of the painful parts in my life have nothing to do with the things I did, but the emotional side tells me that everything is my fault.
Here's the thing, I want to let it all go, but in order to deal with that I need to face things head on. That's life's greatest challenge, isn't it, facing the things that have hurt you. So, to all the boys and friends and events that have hurt me, I forgive you and I'm ready to let you go.
As I'm writing this, I can feel this weight lift off my chest, and I feel like I could almost cry. I'm not all the way there yet, but I can feel that this is the start of me living for the present and for my future. The past brought me here and shaped me into who I am today, but you can't go forward if you're always looking in the rearview mirror.
Peace out, Past, it's been (too) real.
