What It’s Like To Have Post Concussive Syndrome

What It’s Like To Have Post Concussive Syndrome

To be honest, it feels like I got hit in the head with a rocketship.

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On April 17th, 2018, I was in an altercation with an ex-boyfriend of mine. He punched me in my face and also threw an inanimate object at my head. As a result, I had a large hematoma (a collection of blood under the skin) and a concussion. The whole incident was traumatic and I often think it's my fault as to why it happened. My friends and family tell me that he's crazy and that I shouldn't think like that.

f kind of hard when you have reminders.

A few weeks ago, I was diagnosed with Post Concussive Syndrome or PCS for short. It's basically a disorder that mimics the symptoms of a concussion. It's a long-term effect that occurs for weeks, months, or even years.

Every day, I usually feel on the left side of my forehead. There's a little lump still under the area. It somewhat feels like a little pebble that just won't go away. It doesn't hurt anymore but it always takes me back to the day it all went left.

I often have headaches (more like migraines if you ask me). It feels like I got hit in the head all over again. They usually start between three and five in the afternoon. I got prescribed medication for it but it literally does nothing so I go to sleep.

My left eye also hurts and twitches all the time.

It's hard to drive at night sometimes because I get blurred vision in my left eye.

I can't do any physical activity at the moment and it really sucks because my passion was cheerleading. I'm not allowed to cheer, stunt, or tumble because all the motions rock my head a little too much.

Besides the headaches, my depression & anxiety have worsened. I no longer have the excitement in my life and I feel myself becoming lazier & lazier as time passes.

I try my best to make myself seem okay but it really isn't working.

I wish I could be my normal self again.

Sadly, I don't see that coming anytime soon.

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I Woke up In The Middle Of The Night To Write About My Fears, They're Worse Than The Dark

One minute I'm thinking about what I want to do after college next thing I know I'm remembering the time I tried talking to a boy and choked on my spit.

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It is one of those nights when I am tired, but for some reason, I can't seem to fall asleep. So, what do I do? I pull out my laptop, and I begin to write. Who knows where it will lead. It could lead to a killer article or something that does not make sense. I mean it is almost 2 A.M. In my mind, that's pretty late.

Anyways, let's do this thing.

Like many people, thoughts seem to pile up in my head at this time. It could be anything from a time when I was younger to embarrassing stories to wondering why I am "wasting" my time somewhere to thoughts about the future. All of these things come at me like a wildfire. One minute I'm thinking about what I want to do after college next thing I know I'm remembering the time I tried talking to a boy and choked on my spit.

The thought that is going through my mind as I write this is about the future. It's about the future of my fears. Let me explain. I have multiple fears. Some of my fears I can hide pretty well, others I am terrible at hiding. My fears may seem silly to some. While others might have the same fears. Shall we start?

1. My career

I don't know where to begin with this one. For as long as I can remember, my consistent dream job has been working in the world of sports, specifically hockey. A career in sports can be and is a challenging thing. The public eye is on you constantly. A poor trade choice? Fans are angry. Your team sucks? "Fans" are threatening to cheer for someone else if you can't get your sh*t together. You can be blamed for anything and everything. Whether you are the coach, general manager, owner, it does not matter. That's terrifying to me, but for some reason, I want to work for a team.

2. My family

Julie Fox

Failing with my family, whether that be the family I was born into or my future family, it terrifies me. I have watched families around me fall apart and I have seen how it has affected them. Relationships have fallen apart because of it. I have heard people talk about how much they hate one of their parents because of what happened. I don't want that.

3. Time

This could be a dumb fear. I'm not sure, but I fear time. With every minute that passes, I am just another minute closer to the end. With every day that passes that I am not accomplishing goals or dreams I have, I am losing precious time. It scares me to think of something horrible like "What if I die tomorrow because of something horrific?" or even worse, "What if I don't make it through today?" It's terrible, I know.

4. Forgetting precious memories

When I was younger, I had brain surgery. It is now much harder for me to remember things. I am truly terrified that I am going to forget things I will want to hold close to me forever, but I won't be able to. I am scared I'll forget about the little things that mean a lot. I'm afraid of forgetting about old memories that may disappear. I'm worried that I'll forget about something like my wedding day. That might seem out of this world, but it's a reality for me.

5. Saying "goodbye"

I hate saying bye. It is one of my least favorite things. Saying bye, especially to people I don't know when I'll see again, is a stab in the heart for me. I love my people so much. I love being around them. I love laughing with them. Thought of never having a hello with them again scares me beyond belief.

6. Leaving places that I love

Alright, let me start off by saying this- it takes a lot for me to love a place. It has to feel like home. It has to make me feel comfortable. It has to be a place I can go to and be myself. Thankfully, I have had and still have multiple places that are like that. I have also had places I could not wait to leave. I think that's why leaving places I love is so hard and something I fear so much. I am afraid I'll never get that place "back", for lack of a better term. I guess, I'm trying to say, it's like a piece of me is leaving as well.




These six things are just the start of my fears. Some of these might seem "dumb" or "ridiculous" to you, but for me, it's my life. These are the things that I think about the most. These are the things that feel like a pit in my stomach. These six things are parts of my life that mean a lot to me.

Cover Image Credit:

Emily Heinrichs

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17 Reasons Guys Who Smoke Anything Are Gross AF

Smelling smoke is about as pleasant as sitting behind a diesel bus at a stop light.

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All my life I have been raised that smoking is wrong. I don't understand how some people still think throwing their life away to "look cool" or whatever the reason, is okay. It's not attractive or cool, if anything it's the opposite. Here are just a few reasons why I would never, EVER, date a guy who smokes.

1. They have horrid breath!

Smelling smoke is about as pleasant as sitting behind a diesel bus at a stop light. When you're close to one another a lot, as significant others tend to be, the last thing I want to smell is smoky breath.

2. They have that unattractive yellow smile...

Smoking stains your teeth yellow and gives a disgusting look. It's definitely not attractive.

3. Smoke is the worst cologne!

One thing that is important for a lot of women is that great scent of their S.O. and the smell of smoke is the last thing I want to smell when curled up together.

4. Their car smells rancid...

To make it worse, not only do they personally smell disgusting but then you get in their car and are surrounded by the horrid smell?! No thank you!

5. They’re at a higher risk of cancer

Everyone knows it! Smoking causes cancer and I've known people who've passed away because of cancer caused by smoking habits. I want to have a S.O. that I can imagine a future with.

6. A raspy voice is not sexy...

Smoking can cause many throat problems including a raspy voice. It is not attractive in any way especially when there's a "smoker's cough" every few minutes along with it.

7. They age faster.

Yet another thing smoking causes... Wrinkles, baggy eyes, hair loss, and cataracts are not attractive in any way.

8. The smoke breaks get annoying...

Guys who smoke spend a lot of time tied to their cigarettes. Nothing ruins a date quicker than when your potential S.O. steps outside every hour to smoke.

9. There’s the possibility of a tracheostomy tube...

If you have no idea what that is, look it up, it's just plain scary…

10. Second hand smoking is scary...

Just being around someone while they are smoking can badly influence my own health. Why the heck would I want to do that to myself just to be close to a S.O.?

11. Stained fingers and fingernails are so gross!

Holding hands is another great part of having a S.O. but seeing dirty fingers and yellow finger nails is a huge gross factor and highly unattractive. No way are those hands coming near me!

12. They have reduced athletic ability!

I want a S.O. who is able to keep up with me and have a good time. Having to stop every 30 seconds to let them catch their breath is no fun.

13. They obviously have no self-respect.

The health issues and long-term consequences of smoking have been told to everyone since they were young and yet people still chose to do it, bringing those health issues and consequences onto themselves. Most women want a guy that takes care of their body. If you smoke, it shows that you don't have much self-respect and you certainly don't care about your health.

14. They’re not really family material...

While not all women are always looking for a serious relationship, in the back of their minds, they do think about the future. A smoker is most definitely not going to be husband or father material. Women tend to avoid dating smokers, much less marrying them.

15. You can’t take him to meet the parents

Meeting the parents is a big step in any relationship. When girls imagine their man meeting their father, it's never a smoker. It's a guaranteed bad first impression when he meets the parents with a bad smell and stained hands. They're for sure going to be talking about the guy when he steps out for a smoke break.

16. Those gross kisses are just that... gross.

Kissing a smoker is a lot like making out with an ashtray. A lot of women avoid it. Fresh breath is way more attractive, so basically, avoid smoking at all costs.

17. It’s just not attractive!

Smoking is not cool! I don't know where people got the idea that you look attractive or sexy with a cigarette between your lips or fingers. Are you trying to look macho? Cause you don't! Are you trying to impress me? Cause you aren't! I'm not the only girl out there unimpressed and unattracted by a guy's smoking habits, so stop.

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