Anyone who knows me knows that I have always gravitated more toward animals than children. Now, when I say that, I seriously mean that throughout most all of my life, if I had to choose between interacting with an animal or a child, the animal would win out every single time. I tend to drool over baby animals--not baby humans--and it's been that way ever since I was little.
While most girls (and tons of guys, too) have dreamed about having children ever since they were old enough to, well, dream about having children, I have not. If I'm being honest, l have been pretty impartial as to whether or not Micheal and I will have children.
You see, I've never really had much experience with children and babies, because, for the majority of my life, I have avoided them like the plague. Now, don't get me wrong, I would never EVER want anything bad to happen to any baby or child, ever.
However, most of the time I prefer to be in the presence of children when they're quiet and not screaming, crying or generally being little brats. Honestly though, I haven't had much experience with kids who aren't crying, screaming or being little assholes; but, lately, that has been changing.
About a week ago, I babysat for the first time in all of my 20 years of living. Crazy, right? Not so crazy if you avoid children like I do--like the plague. Anyways, it was a really good experience, but I have to admit, when I first got to the house I was pretty nervous.
Even though the parents were super nice and laid back and explained everything I would have to do, I was still pretty anxious about the whole ordeal. The moment mom and dad left the house, the baby seemed to know and immediately started crying. Of course, since he was crying, I also felt like crying--not because I can't physically handle a crying child, no; it was because I was so nervous that I straight up almost had a panic attack.
Luckily, after about 10 minutes of high anxiety and reminding myself to breathe, the baby had stopped crying, and the little girl and I had started to play a game. The game didn't last long, of course, because kids are kids and get distracted, so we decided to watch some TV, relax on the couch (and floor) and just hang out. The rest of the night was filled with laughs, a few tears and storytelling, and I really enjoyed it.
For the first time in a long time, I understood why people love kids and babies so much. The kids that I watched were such joys. After talking and playing with them all night long and after holding the adorable 6-month-old on my lap for hours, they made me realize that having kids one day might not be so terrible a fate after all.
I still put up a wall though. You see, it's easier to not like kids because my biological chances of having them one day are pretty slim.
I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), which decreases my chances of having children. So, to me, it makes more sense to try not to want children than to spend my time imagining that Micheal and I will one day have a family, because it probably won't happen. And that thought breaks my heart.
Truthfully, I would love to be a mother. I would love to look into my baby's eyes and see Micheal in them. I would love to teach my child how to read an animal's body language and how to connect with them on a deep and passionate level. I would love to watch Micheal teach our child everything he knows and loves. So, if I'm being honest with myself, I really do like children, but it is easier for me to distance myself from them than to spend my time planning for a loving family when the reality of that happening is pretty slim. It's a self-defense mechanism, really, because I don't want to be disappointed.
While I know that starting a family is still quite a long distance down the road, I can't help but write about it. Ultimately, I know that God has it all planned out, but I can't help to feel a little nervous at the thought of Micheal and my having children. I am sure that, as a married couple, Micheal and I will face many trials, but I know in my heart that as long as we keep God in the center of our lives and relationship (which is challenging by the way) He will bless us with what we need.
We won't have to worry about the rest. With or without children, we can still be a happy family.
