Do you realize how lonely a party is? Everyone pressed against one another. Faces blend into a chaotic sea. Bodies are just bodies. They are no longer recognizable. No one is anyone. Identities lose all meaning. You are completely alone. No one knows you. You are a speck on the wall. A person among all other persons. You are no longer special. You are no longer a breathing human. You are just another replaceable moving object in the midst of a massive moving machine. You have become expendable.
Your voice will get lost in the sounds of the event. Talking over music is impossible. Screaming will only burn your throat. The party is no longer interesting. It is no longer enjoyable. But you stay. You stay because there is nowhere else to be. If you walk outside, the loneliness will catch up to you. If you walk where people will notice you, you start to collapse on yourself, wishing that people would just leave you be. You didn’t want to show your face to them, didn’t want to show how pathetically lost you feel.
No.
No. Having loneliness crush you at a party hurts a hell of a lot less. It hurts a hell of a lot less than if you were with people who “cared” about you. You shouldn’t feel so completely alone with people who care about you. So, no. There is nowhere else for you to go. And you will keep coming to these parties.
You will keep dancing with drunken strangers. You will keep walking around aimlessly. You will keep holding a beer bottle with no intention of drinking it. You will keep waking up at random people’s houses. You will keep telling yourself that this is better.
Because being faceless hurts a hell of a lot less when you are meant to be faceless.
