I'm struggling so much, but I'm making it through day by day. Getting up every day and putting on a brave face is such a struggle, but I do for you both because I want you to see me succeed. I want those people to remember my name and know how much I've been through, but they see how much I've achieved going through every hardship possible.
Without you, both nothing is the same. Seeing everybody my age having what I wish for and them not being thankful for it breaks my heart even more. There's nothing I wouldn't do just to see you both one more or to give you each one last hug. Not being able to say the words goodbye and you being able to acknowledge it kills me inside. I wish there was more I could've done for the both of you, but unfortunately, God made things happen this way for a reason. January 11, 2004. The day you two said the words you've been waiting to say for what seems like forever. I'll never forget your first dance as husband and wife. The song I hear in my head every day. "Amazed" by Lonestar. The song that brought you two together even closer. Even my three-year-old self can remember how stunning you both looked, the look of love in your eyes, and the spark that filled everyone in the room. A room filled with everyone who cared so much for both of you.
A few years later.. August 18, 2006, the day I lost one of you forever. A day that changed my life forever all because of one motorcycle. A hobby of yours that you've been perusing for as long as you were able to. Countless rides on your Harley Davidson with your friends and the love of your life. You're one of the bravest men I've ever met. Serving in the United States Army is something you took so much pride in as one should. I couldn't be more proud of everything that you've accomplished and I wish I could tell you that.
I wish I could hear all the stories that you have. I can remember you playing your guitar or drums so clearly, another one of your absolute favorite things to do. Even though I was so young and could never develop that strong father and daughter relationship, I hold onto every memory I remember and cherish it every single day. Years went by where I questioned everything about you. Becoming older and not knowing exactly who Matthew Dixon was drained and still drains me. There are so many questions I have. What got you into motorcycles? Why did you love music? What made you want to join the Army? Questions that'll never be answered and it haunts me knowing that I'll never hear your voice again.
Mom and I made it so far knowing you were watching us. We laughed numerous times at all the stories she told me about you two. The wild things you two did over the years since you knew each other. Then all of the sudden, November 20th, 2018, the strongest woman I knew was back together with her one and only. The one who held me together was now gone. The precious soul who was my biggest fan, gone just like that. The one who was proudest to show me off. A woman so gracious yet spoke her mind whenever she felt necessary.
A relationship that is so strong that nothing could come between us. I never imagined the day where I would be looking at you on the hospital bed lifeless yet so gorgeous. Since I was older and able to develop such a powerful connection it broke me even more than I already was. Looking through the pictures and the videos of us burns a hole through every part of my body. Knowing I will never be able to see your smile, hear your laugh, or even feel the warmth of a motherly hug is unspeakable. An indestructible relationship but was broken. I never imagined that you two wouldn't see me walk across the stage and get my diploma. That you wouldn't see me get my license. That you wouldn't be there to help me pick my dream college. That you wouldn't see me walk down the aisle to say "I do" to my forever and always just like you two did.
There's not a day that goes by where I don't think of you both. I'm forever thankful that you two are back together as one up in heaven watching me achieve everything that I possibly can.
Love forever and always,