The year the world stopped. Life was completely flipped upside down. I wanted to write this for my future children to read to gain a glimpse of what it was like to live through this or comfort another experiencing the same feeling and thoughts. For me, I have found that I have experienced the five stages of grief. It started with denial that this was happening. Being trapped in the house makes me wave in and out of this stage. I feel safe at home, so it still makes it all seem like it is not real. Then came anger. I was so angered that I was making all these sacrifices. I am 24 years old and I am supposed to be living life up with my friends before I settle down. Now I am being forced to give that up. Then came depression. I felt helpless and overwhelmed much of this time. Motivation is harder to find on some days than others. I started to not be able to sleep creating insomnia. Then came bargaining. Trying to find the positive, reaching out to friends, and trying to make sense of it all. I would see people my age, some friends, still going and seeing each other and their family. My mother is my favorite person in the world, and she is at high risk for this disease. I currently live with her and I could not live with myself if I brought it into this house. The final stage is acceptance. I believe I am currently here. I have been so anxious that I have exasperated myself. Now I feel a weird sense of calm. I miss the normalcy. And I do not do well with isolation. One of my biggest coping mechanism is being busy and now I cannot do that. Making new lists to keep me occupied helps.

There is some irony to this pandemic for me. In my middle school days, I fell in love with reading...particularly dystopian literature. Hunger Games, Divergent, The Giver, and Delirium to name a few. The idea of a world that was divided in such an unjust way, but it was so black and white. In the books, you knew who was in the right and who was in the wrong. These books romanticized the idea that in such a messed-up world there was the "perfect" person or the protagonist. So, what happens when your favorite genre becomes reality? Today, May 13, 2020, we are living in a pandemic. The world has shut down. Freedom is gone. Human interaction is gone. Poverty and hungry are at an all-time high. Not to mention the hundreds of thousands of people who are dying. The world feels like a dystopian. And so quickly. One day we were watching it all happen in another part of the world on our TV's and making memes. And then it hit our homes. Unlike a dystopian, I cannot tell what is right or wrong. We have a leader who seems like the antagonist, but what power do I have to change any of this? Who is the heroine that saves the day? Do we have to face great loss to make sure the future for our children is safe? Is all innocence gone? So many questions. Isolation has become the new normal and so much is yet to be learned. The aftereffects are scarier than the present. In dystopian literature, it always ends with things being fixed, but now how people cope with what they have gone through. I pray for peace for this world.

I am getting to the point where I do not care if I get the virus or not. Getting it and dying or surviving is better than living with all this anxiety, confusion, and uncertainty. This is not the life I want to live in. The positives in each day are harder and harder to find. People are becoming obsessed with the news and are afraid of one another. I do not want to be afraid of people. I want to spread love and joy and kindness. How am I supposed to do that in a world that is so dim of light? The isolation is hitting me hard with no ending in sight. Maybe if we knew of an ending this would make things easier. People have sacrificed so much because of this virus and for the good of others. Yet there are still people who do not believe that the virus is real. I miss being one of those people in the denial phase. Blissfully unaware of what is to come. I keep trying to make peace with the very real possibility of saying goodbye to my parents or loved ones. This virus has combined every single one of my fears into one grim reality. Losing my parents, being sick, being in a hospital, being alone, being anxious, and not seeing my friends. Who could the world turn upside down so quickly? When did my mother who talked me out of spirals of the world falling apart turn into someone who fears herself every day? Is this mother nature's revenge or God's enlightenment? All I know is for myself, I must keep looking for the good or soon I will give in.

Writing out these thoughts and feelings as helped to ease my anxiety. Focusing on old hobbies has been a saving grace. Thanks to Covid-19 and quarantine I have gotten to read my first book that was not required for school in six years. The little things are what help make waking up each day easier. We will get through this. Humans are resilient and will come out stronger on the other side. I can feel it in my soul. Much love a 20-something-year-old in 2020.