This article will be part of an ongoing series originally started by my friend, and soon to be collaborator, Jacob Helker. You can read the first two installations in the series, and the rest of his fantastic articles, here.
*Warning: Explicit Language*
When I was in high school I found my dream career: Rapper. Now I didn't have any basis for this dream, I just woke up one day and decided that this was what I was born to do. I set my mind to it and chose the name "Master Mercenary" (stupid name). With my name decided, I sat down and began writing my first song. Now I'm officially ready to make fun of that song publicly. Be warned, the lyrics can, and most likely will come off as completely disgusting and a bit creepy. So without further ado, may I present the rap song that started, and fortunately ended, my burgeoning hip-hop career: "Not Really; Really" .
Even my issues got issues, (No they didn't)
Only ever came in a tissue, (hat's just gross)
Bitch graduate I won't miss you, (No clue who this was even about)
Talk enough shit I might hit you, (I've never been in a real fight in my life)
But not really... ( that's where the first part of the title, no other reason for it even being there)
Swimmin' in women call that a thotpocalypse, (I'm not even embarrassed by this line, it's kinda funny)
Pills in the pocket, (probably Benadryl)
Pull 'em out and pop that shit, (on account of the allergies)
Bitch on your knees, (I still don't know how to talk to girls, so this line just cant be true)
Got you sayin' please, ("Please stop trying to flirt with me." would be my best guess.)
But not really... (still stupid)
Stare the gun in the eye, (melodrama)
Wipe that tear don't you cry, (more melodrama)
Keep the gun and the Xanax by your side, (I still don't know where to get Xanax, also melodrama)
Pretty soon you'll take your life, (even more melodrama)
Really. (Maximum melodrama achieved, ladies and gentlemen we have lift off!)
This wasn't the only rap song I ever wrote, but it's one of the first ones. I was so proud of this song that it became a regular performance during my daily shows at the Shower Theater. After a while, I was torn between hip-hop and acting, neither of which I'm doing now, and I decided to read through all my old lyrics. I don't really now what happened, but re-reading this song, this thing I loved and had created myself, I wanted to puke. It was so bad. Sure some were worse, but those were intentionally bad. With this song, that wasn't the case. I wasn't trying to write something funny or stupid. I thought I poured my soul into this song, only to see nothing but stupidity staring back at me. I gave up rap then and there. Most dumb things like this can be forgiven, after all, who didn't do stupid stuff when they were in middle school? By the way, I wasn't in middle school when I wrote this. I was 18 and days away from graduating high school. Whatever mockery you come up with after reading this, I deserve. Whatever feelings of hatred and disgust you have, I deserve. I deserve nothing less than your pity. Hopefully, I can bring you enough peace of mind to know that you'll never be as weird or cringey as I am. The moral of this story is simple: Never ever write anything as stupid as this.
