5:36 AM. The green glare of the cable-vision box stared at me like it always does. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever get out of this apartment. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever make it the way I want to make it. Sometimes I wonder if I was in over my head. Should I have taken the same path as my friends? I wonder about a lot of shit I shouldn’t be wondering about, awake at a time I shouldn’t be awake at, feeling a way I’m unsure if I should be feeling.
“Fuck that.” I said out loud to myself as the words harshly escaped my throat. I walked into the kitchen and poured myself a cup of water. As I drank I looked outside and noticed it was raining. A sleepy smile crept up on my face, I loved the rain.
The perfect Sunday. After a long weekend like the one that just passed, a day like this was just what I needed, a chilly October Sunday, a day off, just my apartment and I. It didn’t take much to make me happy, honestly. Since I was young I learned to love being alone. No one to please, no one to impress, no one to acknowledge, no one to decide what I watch, what I listen to, or what I do, wha- the list can go on and on, honestly. But I’m sure you get the point.
The rain danced with the wind as I watched it through my window. It swayed to the left, it swayed to the right, lighter rain, heavier rain. The colorful leaves of Autumn painted a collage of colors. The red and the yellows, even the oranges swayed with the rain. Some flew off the trees, violently, as if the wind called for them or slowly when the wind stopped, naturally like they knew their day had come. Something about the Fall always spoke to me. I stood and stared, sometimes I felt like windows were the screen to a never-ending performance by nature. With the unpredictable director that was weather, you never were too sure what you were getting.
I sighed to myself, here I am getting all artsy about the fucking weather. Why am I like this? I walked into my living room, plopped down on my recliner facing the window and just watched the show.
6:12 AM. I wonder if I’ll go to sleep today.
- pages from a book I’ll never write.
