Social Anxiety is nothing new. It’s a constant battle I try to explain to those who’ve never understood its confines. The comfort I feel when I’m by myself without the pressures of having to impress those around me, is a freedom whose familiarity I never want to leave. Satisfaction surrounds me as I finish the tasks of the day and can lock myself away in my room.
It’s hard to live every moment of your life with the thoughts of what others might be thinking of you on your mind. Every move being calculated and carefully placed so as not to embarrass yourself. After 22 years it’s a feeling I haven’t had the luck of getting comfortable with. A feeling I try to hide through empty chatter and false self-assurance.
I constantly ask myself if I’m getting better, never knowing where I truly stand. Sometimes I think I’m getting better. The words and conversations leaving my mouth smoother than they ever did before. I climb that ladder and feel like I’m onto of the world. But it only ever takes a moment, some self doubt to come creeping in, and everything you built comes crashing down.
Because you can’t fake it. You can’t build a home without a solid foundation. You build the foundation first, and then you continue to build on top of that. It’s a step you can’t skip without the unescapable mistake of it all coming down on you.
And I understand I can be hard to be around because of it. My constant shift in feelings and actions is exhausting to friends. My defensive reactions to those who threaten to ruin the feeling of comfort I surround myself is a hurdle I try and overcome. The constant promise to work on yourself being overshadowed by your fear of never being able to defeat this oppressing feeling.
It’s a disheartening thing. Sometimes I think about what I would be capable of if I didn't have this constant barrier stopping me from “living my life to the fullest.” What would I accomplish? How different would my life be at this very moment? I wake up somedays and tell myself things are going to change. I’ll take that first real step. I’ll do that thing I’ve been wanting to do and say the things I’ve been wanting to say.
A year or five from now I’ll stop reevaluating everything I say. I’ll stop overthinking what I wear. I’ll stop shutting myself off from everyone when it becomes too much. Being comfortable is something I’ve always treasured, but pushing myself to do things I never would have done before is an adventure I’m willing to embark on. I want my life to be a journey I can look back on and be proud of. I want to admire the things I pushed myself through and admire the things I was able to conquer.
